How to Pick Your Stage Name

Shakespeare (and Chelsea Dagger) once wrote "that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But as smart as the bard was, this rule doesn't apply to the entertainment world. If you want to win the undying love of the masses, you're going to need a righteous stage name. If you're considering future employment as, say, a wrestler, a one-man rock band, a rapper, a DJ, or a news anchor, it's vital that you choose well; a guy named "Gary Smith" just isn't going to get famous. Lucky for you, SparkLife has developed an easy-to-follow "Make a Name for Yourself" formula for almost every profession involving razzle and/or dazzle.

If you want to be a wrestler:
First Name: Any item that can be found at Home Depot.
Last Name: The last name of a deceased President.
Outcome: Brick Jackson, Shovel Taft, Cement Washington, Pickax Hoover, Bucket McKinley

If you want to be a DJ:
First Name: Weather phenomenon.
Last Name: Food item found at a bakery.
Outcome: DJ Hazy Muffins, DJ Rainstorm Rolls, DJ Sleet Butter, DJ Fogbank Rainbow Chip Icing, DJ Potato Latkes Northwesterly Trade Winds

If you want to be a one-man rock band:
First Name: Historic treaty/battle or a fabric, plus an apostrophe+s.
Middle Name: Month, day, or season.
Last Name: Add "and the ALL-STARS" to your first two selections.
Outcome: Stretch-Satin's Sunday and the All-Stars, Polyester's February and the All-Stars, Gettysburg's Autumn and the All-Stars, Pin-Tucked Taffeta's Tuesday and the All-Stars

If you want to be a rapper:
First Name: The adjective that best describes your hardcore personality.
Last Name: The name of a car, in all capital letters, misspelled on purpose for extra-legit street cred.
Outcome: Moderately Scrappy PRYUZ, Lil' TORUS, B.I.G. SYON, Effeminate MINICOOPA

If you want to be an anchorman:
First Name: Anything that flies, manmade or natural.
Last Name: “Thunder” + any kind of natural land formation or Medieval siege weaponry.
Outcome: Sessna Thundergulch, Boeing Glacial Canyon, Falcon Cliffs of Moher, Delorean Catapult, Velociraptor Crossbow

Well, there you have it. You now have a stage name, a career, and a long time to regret that everyone will henceforth be referring to you as "Sandbelt Polk." YOU'RE WELCOME.

What's your wrestler/DJ/anchorman name?

Related post: What Your SparkLife Nickname Says About You