What if Hollywood were responsible for creating sequels to famous books?
For one, the sequels would be in movie form. Second, we suspect Hollywood would make the plots as empty as possible, and spruce things up with a popular actor or talking dog. The resulting movies would be artistic catastrophes, but they'd bring in millions. For example...
Moby Dick 2: The Whalening
Synopsis: Ahab's long-lost great-great-grandson, Rick "The Situation" Ahab, has just been kicked out of the Marines for being a loose cannon, and for whale abuse (he has always suffered from a mysterious and irrational hatred of whales). But when a peaceful beachfront community is terrorized by a relentless white whale, only one man can stop it from floating aimlessly off the coast and keeping everyone awake with annoying whale noises. (That person is Rick, in case that was unclear.)
-110 minutes. Rated R for harpoonings and adult whale situations.
Dracula 2: Drac's Back
Synopsis: This crossover sequel answers the question mankind has always asked: Who would win in a fight, Bram Stoker's Dracula or Frankenstein's monster? Will one of them make an illuminating statement about what it means to be human, or will they just bludgeon each other with kung fu in an aquarium? (The second one.)
-91 minutes. Rated PG-13 for sexy vampires and random things exploding, all the time.
Frankenstein 2: Fightenstein
See above.
The Once and Future King 2: The "Future" Part of That
Synopsis: King Arthur is back, like T.H. White sort of implied he would be, in modern-day London! In this time-travel/fish-out-of-water/undead-royalty romantic comedy, goofy Arthur calls everyone "thee," threatens soccer hooligans with Excalibur, and gets confused by the concept of ordering a hamburger. But can he find true love by just looking up everyone named "Guinevere" in the phone book, or is he too old and gross by this point?
-103 minutes. Rated PG-13 for words that are profanity in England but are just nonsense words everywhere else.
Things Don't Fall Apart
Synopsis: Everything is great in British-occupied Nigeria! This revisiting of Chinua Achebe's classic takes a few liberties with the original story, in that all the British characters are cartoon mice who wear tuxedos, while the Nigerians are cartoon mice who don't wear tuxedos. Together they teach each other the value of friendship, which snakes are the bad snakes, and how to make inedible British food.
-68 minutes. Rated G for songs and hugging.
Canterbury
Synopsis: This modern remake of Canterbury Tales is entirely faithful to Chaucer, in that a bunch of characters wander around and tell unacceptable jokes about butts and such. It is therefore an important classic, and hilarious.
-106 minutes. Rated R because butts.
Pitch us a literary sequel!
Related Post: Rejected Video SparkNotes
Topics: Books, Celebs & Stuff
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