Na-Na Why Don’t You Get a Job?
You’ve barely been on summer break for five seconds, and your father is already all over you. “Why don’t you get a job?” he asks you as you lie in bed daydreaming about cheeseburgers and Megan Fox. “What are you going to do today?” he interrogates before you've had your first cup of coffee. “”Don’t you want to be useful?” he calls out to you as you lie next to the pool. The answer to that question is obviously N-O.
Jobs are definitely important, but you have your whole rest of your life to work for the man. Believe me, when you get older, you’ll be working just as hard as we do every day at SparkNotes, where it’s our duty to be funny, eat Cheetos, and see how many Twilight references we can make in one post.
If you want the luxury of teenage freedom this summer, memorize this list of things to say and do to get your dad off your lazy back:
When your dad says, “Where are you going?”...
- Put on a newsboy cap and grab some old papers out of the recycling bin. In your best Newsie impression, yell that you’re doing your paper route, and you’ll be back the next day. If you can convince your parents to buy you a better bike for your route, then you’ve really made us proud of your exaggerating abilities.
- Simply answer: "To H-E-double hockey sticks." Then, in your most Exorcist voice, call out in anguish, “work makes me evil.” Roll around the ground until you’re covered in dog hair and then go back to bed.
- Blast the Offspring’s “Why Don’t You Get a Job” while you grind with a plant in your living room.
When your dad says, “What are you going to do with your life?"...
- Go through your plans bullet by bullet: “I’m going to get up from my bed in approximately 6 minutes. I will proceed to the bathroom where I will perform my morning ritual of brushing my teeth, popping my pimples, and flossing. Then, I will stumble into the kitchen and ask Mom to make me eggs. I’ll put on Sports Center and sign on to AIM. I’ll see what my friends are up to, and ask if any of them are available to go see a movie with me later. I’ll tell them I really want to eat Raisinettes. Mom will probably start calling me, saying "Sweetie, your eggs are ready," and I’ll walk to the kitchen, sit at the table and grab a knife, a spoon, a fork, some ketchup, toast, butter, and don't forget the jam, then…” Wait for your father to cut you off or this plan of attack loses its bite.
- Or you could always just bite him and blame it on the dog.
- Employ sarcasm and tell him you plan to live his life the same way he did: go to college, marry some chick, make her have some babies, buy an adequate house in a boring suburb, rescue a dog from the pound with one eye, and get on your own son’s back about working.
How are you convincing your parents to let you be a lazy bum all summer?
Related post: Get a Sweet Job This Summer