Dating Through the Ages

scary_owl, this is hilarious! —Sparkitors

Back in the olden days, when all of our parents were born, kids were getting married left and right, sometimes as early as eight or nine. Yep, things were crazy in the past. Here are some examples of what dating through the ages was really like...

Medieval Times

MOTHER: Guinevere, do you see that young child, Merlin, over there?

GUINEVERE: [plays with her doll]

MOTHER: Marry him.

GUINEVERE: Okay.

1600s, America

ELIZABETH: Good afternoon, Mama. I think I have found a suitable husband.

MOTHER: Point him out, dear. But first let me collect the chicken eggs and plow the fields.

ELIZABETH: [waiting]

MOTHER: Ah, now you may show me.

ELIZABETH: His name is John. He seems like a wealthy and faithful man who would never commit adultery.

MOTHER: Is he Christian? Does he follow the Ten Commandments?

ELIZABETH: Of course! Not to do so would be atrociously scandalous.

MOTHER: He has money and he is Christian? Yahoo! I mean, that is acceptable in the eyes of God.

18^th century England

ANTOINETTE: Good morning, Mother. Father just gave me a new corset so that I might impress a potential husband.

MOTHER: [embroidering] I suppose you have someone in mind?

ANTOINETTE: Mother, do you see that kind young gentleman over there?

MOTHER: Yes, dear. He is of very low class, and his family is dishonorable.

ANTOINETTE: Mother, I want to marry that man. We have arranged for the carriage to take us to Buckinghamshire tomorrow morning.

MOTHER: Absolutely not. He is not of noble birth. However, I have found a very suitable husband for you. See that rich young baron over there, Baron von Sternbrow?

BARON V SB: [waving creepily while fluffing stern brow] Hellooooo.

ANTOINETTE: But Mother, he has a very stern brow. I do not wish to marry him.

MOTHER: Well, that is too bad. You shall marry him and bear a son.

ANTOINETTE: [weeps]

1930s

KITTY: Hey Ruth, see Joe College over there? His name is Gerald, and boy, I’m in love!

RUTH: Jeepers, Kit, he looks like a regular soda jerk to me! Does he have a good job?

KITTY: ‘Course, Ruth. He spent a dime on me just yesterday!

GERALD: Hiya, Kit. [winks] Say, I just bought you that new Ella Fitzgerald album. What d’you say we give it a spin?

MA: Golly, Kit, he’s a keeper!

NOW

KURT: Hey, uh, Rachel?

RACHEL: [texting] Can this wait? I’m talking to Jessica about last night’s episode of Glee.

KURT: Um, not really. [mumbles really fast] Ijusthoughtyougooutwime?

RACHEL: [stares blankly]

KURT: [clears throat nervously] Um, I just meant, uh, do you wanna go out with me? Like, on a date?

RACHEL: Whatever. Can I get back to texting Jessica? This is kind of important.

KURT: …it’s Glee. You think Glee is more important than going out on a date with me?

RACHEL: Nooo, I think shoes are more important than going out with you. We’re talking about shoes now.

KURT’S FRIEND JOSH: You should’ve consulted Auntie SparkNotes’ Flirting Guide, dude.

KURT: Shut up.

THE FUTURE (please read this one in a robot voice)

ROBOT #1, 80092: Hel-lo, Robot #3332. I think I have found a robot wife.

ROBOT #2, 3332: That is wond-er-ful, 80092. But wait—is she rusty?

#80092: Of course not. What kind of a ro-bot do you think I am? Oh look, here she comes now.

HOT ROBOT #101010: Good evening, boys. Notice anything different about me?

#80092: Did you get polished?

#101010: It is good of you to notice, Robot #8-8-8-8- [her voice starts skipping.]

#3332: Oh dear, it seems she has a faulty voice box.

#101010:—8—8—8—8— [Hot Robot #101010 shuts down.]

#80092: Oh no. She has shut down. Let us take her to an engineer—eer—eer—eer—eer—

#3332: Oh god. This one was not really about dating, was it?

What year would you like to date in?

Related Post: 20 Things Not to Say on a Date

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