8 Reasons to Buy a Floor Scooter

After taking an informal poll on Facebook, I've learned that many of you have experienced the fun of scooter relay races in gym class. These races aren't done on traditional scooters, but on these. Think of a pizza box crossed with a roller skate. We’re pretty sure these scooters are actually warehouse doohickeys used to haul heavy cargo. But that doesn't make them any less amazing.

Athletes sit on the scooters (or lie down on their stomachs, if they’re fearless badasses) and use their arms and feet to push and kick their way up and down the gym floor. Once a player has successfully trekked from one side of the gym to the other, he jumps up, and the next person on the team plops down on the scooter and races away. First team to finish wins, and everyone walks away with gross sticky hands. It’s simple. Stupid, but simple.

The game is typically played in elementary and middle schools. After that, it's possible to live the rest of your life without ever placing your butt on a floor scooter again. But why would you doom yourself to such a fate?

We here at SparkNotes firmly believe that floor scooters are the best mode of transportation and should be used by anyone, at any time, regardless of age or gym class schedule. If you have preconceived notions that floor scooters are kid’s toys, throw them out of your mind. It’s time to stand up and say, “I’m older than thirteen, and I want to use a floor scooter!”

Why? Here’s why!

1. They will save the earth
Floor scooters don’t rely on fossil fuels like your gas-guzzling car, nor do they need stupid wind, like your stupid sailboat. All that’s required is some arm and leg muscles and if you’re going downhill, you don’t even need limbs!

2. They’re economical
How much does a car cost? A million dollars, probably. How much does a floor scooter cost? Twenty bucks! And if plain wood isn’t your style, you can get an entire set of six plastic scooters in assorted colors for $142. That works out to $28 a scooter! (Assuming you’re going to toss out the orange one, because who would want to use the orange one? Eww.)

3. They have a hole
The scooters come with a pre-drilled hole in the center, which makes them perfect for hanging on a hook or storing on most poles and rods (giggle). Or use a handy scooter transporter. Plus, you can mash play dough through the hole and say to your friends, “Look! It’s pooping!” (giggle) Can’t do that with a motorcycle, can you? CAN YOU!?

4. They’re legal
Stop by the park and you’ll see a sign banning skateboards, but the sign will say nothing about floor scooters. We ride giraffes at the park for similar reasons. Giraffes don’t count as pets, Mr. Police Officer! They’re more like cattle, and the sign says nothing about cattle.

5. They’re potentially lethal
It’s impossible to stand on a floor scooter without falling and hurting yourself. So if a bad guy is trying to rob you, simply say, “I bet you can’t stand on that floor scooter.” The bad guy, not wanting to look like a wimp, will accept the challenge. When he fails, you strike him the face with a hammer, and you strike hard!

6. They will save your life
When there’s a fire, we all know to stay close to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation. But when you’re on the floor, traveling can be slow and hard on the knees and chin. With a floor scooter, you’ll be safely out of the burning building faster than you can say, “Scooters are kwangy!”

7. Scooter enthusiasts will have their own lingo
Just as snowboarders made up their own language to describe tricks and stunts, the floor scooter community can make up words too. Such as “kwangy,” which we just made up (it means “nice”), and “jully,” which means…we’re not sure what it means. Maybe it’s about being terrific.

8. They fit in the freezer
What? They do!

What are you waiting for, world? Get out there! Get a scooter! Relive your childhood memories while traveling dangerously close to the ground! We don’t want to be the only ones. If we all do it, it won’t look so stupid.

What does jully mean?

Related post: The Perks of Being Slow