New Energy Drinks

Tired of the same old energy drinks? We know the feeling. You open your cooler, and all you find is Monster, Monster, Monster, with a little Jolt thrown in. Consider this eye-popping alternatives:

Shazzam: Feeling tired and mopey? No more! Shazzam is 92% caffeine and 106% tangerine-flavored sugar. Sound impossible? Drink it and you'll believe! (Not legal in 12 states.)

Splursh: Not only will Splursh keep your heart racing, it's actually packaged with bricks of dry ice, which will refresh you on the hottest summer day (and possibly dissolve your intestinal tract). Cans of Splursh should be handled only with industrial gloves.

Olë: Served only in the most exclusive Manhattan cafes, Olë mixes mocha, five cups of espresso, twelve gallons of Ethiopian coffee (from concentrate), a fistful of chia seeds, and straight turpentine in a delicious mason jar. Available in Large and Extra Pretentious.

Grendel: Contains mostly aspartame, molasses, cigarette butts, and liquefied evil. Do not drink near open flame.

Fleur: Made from rose-petal juice and guava extract, this delicious energy drink contains the vitamin equivalent of 16 lbs. of fresh vegetables. Zero calories, zero trans fat. Can also be used as watercolor paint. Each can is blessed by a Tibetan monk before shipping. Liquid is technically lighter than air, and only stays on table because of the weight of the (recycled aluminum) can. Time passes 1.2 times slower within the drink's immediate radius. When first cracked open, the can will emit a lovely violet light, known as "fleur lightning" (TM). Fleur is used to pacify angry bears. $12,853 per can.

Shlock: Repackaged Shazzam. Available at Dollar Max (in crates only).

BLITZKRIEG: No longer available. Lawsuit pending.

What's your energy drink?

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