June Horoscopes

June is our favorite month of the year (don’t tell August), but the beginning of summer will not be pleasant for all. Read on to learn if this shall be a month of joy, sadness, or chronic sore throats.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will not have a sore throat. By the end of the day, tell someone you hate snails. If he asks why, look around suspiciously and say, “I can’t talk about it here.” Then run away as fast you can. If you don’t want your left eyeball to fall out of its socket, write the phrase, “I’m gullible” on your hand. Romance will find you towards the end of the month. Hunger will find you, too. So will jealousy, fatigue, a mild pain in your ankle, and some guy named Pete. The following word will be very important this month: pretzel.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will not have a sore throat. Things will be great for you this month if you eat a grape in the next 32 seconds. Wear tons of red. You will make new friends next week, but don’t mention what you did at that party, because your new friends will think you’re some sort of weirdo. Don’t stay out in the sun too long, because someone is about to rob your house. Get inside and lock the doors. Quick! Don’t pet dogs in a South to North manner. They hate that. If you have to choose, choose cherry. The following word will be very important this month: gorilla.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will have a sore throat at some point this month. You may be tempted to wear something blue on Fridays. Don’t do it. Something bad involving fire and glass will happen if you do. Think of a number. If the number is greater than 5, you will have a horrible month that will involve screaming and heartache. If the number was less than 5, you cheated. To avoid having a crappy month, quickly write a haiku about robots in the comment section below. Carry something purple in your pocket for good luck. But remember, parrot blood isn’t purple. The following word will be very important this month: oak.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’re worrying about nothing. Unless you’re worried about snakes living in your basement, in which case, yeah, you should be moderately worried. Someone has a crush on you, but you’ll need to make the first move…and that move is left, and then up, and then sideways. Drink liquids slowly. If you go swimming, invite us or else you will have a rotten, horrible life filled with pain and angry bees. Seriously. You better invite us. We’ll even bring corn chips! Your throat will not be sore. The following word will be very important this month: Nicaragua.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You may have a sore throat. It’s hard to tell. Next weekend, keep your hands to your sides at all times. All times! This may require tape and rope, but in the end, it will be worth it. Don’t eat the last fry. It’s been places that you don’t want to know about. Everyone loves your pants, even if they don’t vocalize their thoughts. You are within 700 feet of treasure. Try using pencil as a verb, and good luck will be your reward. Stay away from arachnids. The following word will be very important this month: booger.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
During this month only, if anyone says, “You’re just jealous,” you can use your mind powers to give that person a vicious headache. Birds will fear you this month, and you should use this to your financial advantage. Have you ever thought about becoming an archer? Your cousins are up to no good. Hide your socks. You will desperately need a pen or a helmet in about 33 minutes. The following word will be very important this month: archery.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will not have a sore throat. Laugh with your eyes, not your mouth. It will make everything better. If you go outside today, stay off the grass. If you go outside tomorrow, stay on the grass. The nearest window holds a secret that will lead you to love, money, or spiders. Stop thinking about whales. The next person who says, “It’s hot,” will one day save your life. Combs are not to be trusted, but bubbles never lie. This will make sense by the end of the month. The following word will be very important this month: van.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have a sore throat on June 30th. That buzzing noise you hear isn’t a bug. It’s two bugs. Your family will be a major part of this month, but next month, just toss them to the side and focus on clowns and zoos. If you spot a cloud in the shape of a pig, run for your life. But if the cloud is in the shape of a lamb with a weird nose, then you’re safe and will have an amazing month. Staple something together, just to be safe, and always have a triple-A battery handy. The following word will be very important this month: peninsula.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your throat will be fine. Your life will be pretty great in June, except for all things related to fish and mud. You will have financial success if you see something that begins with the letter W in the next two seconds. Something amazing will occur in a room with a flower on the wall. Something evil (but cool) will occur in a room with a picture of a jungle animal on the wall. Don’t watch TV channels 12 and 56, and never, ever listen to a radio station that ends with a one. The following word will be very important this month: damp.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your throat will be scratchy, but not necessarily sore. You’re going to taste something nasty in exactly 100 hours. Stay away from anyone wearing a shirt with an animal on the front, especially if that animal is an amphibian. Eat more oats then you normally due if you wish to find true love. The hamburger you ordered will contain a pleasant surprise. If you spot a hot air balloon, keep it to yourself. This balloon is a secret and we’re counting on you to keep it that way. Always point your calves to the West when talking to someone you’d like to kiss. The following word will be very important this month: blanket.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You will never have sore throat in June. There is something wrong with your kitchen. Fix it, before it’s too late. A guy named John or a girl named Christina thinks you’re amazing and is cyber-stalking you right now. There is money to be made by selling something that begins with the letter O. The bruise on your leg will remain a mystery for six more days, but when the truth is revealed, you’ll wish you didn’t know the answer. Walk 2% faster than normal on Wednesdays. The following word will be very important this month: horse.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Your throat will be a bit sore in two days. Do not trust the caterpillars, for they are the daughters of liars—if you know what we mean (wink wink). Try on both shoes before buying them, because one might be the wrong size. One week from today, you will not see any eggs. Make sure your teeth are never dry, or else you will lose a ton of money. Keep away from fire and vending machines. Stay near ice cream and lightbulbs. Use all the letters of the alphabet in a single sentence and write that sentence in the comments section below if you want to have the best month of your life. The following word will be very important this month: soup.

Eerily accurate, no?

Related post: May Horoscopes