Confused Substitute Teacher Summarizes MORE Classic Literature

Oh no! Who is that substitute teacher at the front of the room, paging frantically through a teacher's manual and spilling his bag of Cheetos everywhere? Could it be the very same substitute who misses the point of all literature, ever, and is he going to do so again? Yes and yes.

Like last time, these summaries may contain spoilers, or perhaps fake spoilers, which we like to call fpoilers. You have been warned.

1) Oilver Twist
"Oliver Twist is about a boy who loves gruel. Can't get enough of it. But there's never enough gruel to go around, so he has to join a gang, which is something you kids should never do, no matter what cute songs they sing or how badly you need gruel. But then it turns out that every single character in the book is related, so they all move out to the country, where Oliver can recover from his gruel habit, and they live happily ever after. Except for the characters who were jerks."
Moral: "Guard your wallet around singing children."

2) Our Town
"Two things become obvious if you see the play version of Our Town. First, most of the town is invisible, perhaps because of a wizard. This is hinted at, but never explained. Second, none of the people in Groverburg have ever done anything interesting in their entire lives. There are even some ghosts at the end who somehow manage to be less interesting than the non-ghosts. Then you wake up in an empty theatre and some guy who works there is poking you with a mop."
Moral: "The moral of Our Town is that you should not bother to read Our Town."

3) Hatchet
"This book is about a hatchet, and the boy who loves it. Lost in the wilderness, together they laugh, they cry, they get attacked by bears. It is exciting, even though it happens in Canada. When the boy finally gets home and visits a supermarket, he realizes that he doesn't need his friend Hatchet anymore, because all the food is just lying around, unguarded by bears. It is a sad ending. I guess there's just no place in this modern world for a boy and his talking hatchet."
Moral: "If you intend to get lost in the forest, bring a gun or a pile of hamburgers instead of a hatchet."

4) Dante's Inferno
"The Inferno is supposed to be a poem, but no matter how loudly I read it, I couldn't get it to rhyme, so I asked a video store clerk for the movie version. I think he gave me some video game with a guy named Dante in it, but when I crammed it in my VCR everything was all busted."
Moral: "Hell is, unsurprisingly, kind of gross."

5) Inherit the Wind
"From what I could gather when I read this over some lady's shoulder on the bus, Inherit the Wind is not about wind at all, but some kind of trial. I think the trial was about who has legal rights to the wind: God or scientists. So these two lawyers engage in a battle of wits, and the good lawyer objects to the bad lawyer so hard that he dies, and the judge is like "Objection... sustained." I may have just dreamed that part, but it was pretty awesome."
Moral: "Science vs. religion can only be resolved in court, and only if it causes someone to flop over and die."

What's the most ridiculous thing a sub ever told you?

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