A N00b's Disney Adventure: Tarzan

flunkybed had never seen a Disney movie when she sat down to watch The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, and Beauty and the Beast and blog about it for us. This is the fifth post in her amazing series. —Sparkitors

Before I watched Tarzan, my friend warned me it was sad.

“Ha,” I said. “Bring it on. I’ll eat your tears, along with Hercules’ toenails, for breakfast.”

I obviously had no idea what I was getting into.

The first eight minutes or so were so -expletive- amazing. More amazing than Facebook or immortal jellyfish or younger sisters. I was totally flabbergasted. Here, see for yourself, kids. You’re going to want to rewatch it, I promise. I get crazy goosebumps every time, even worse than the ones I get when my parents catch me doing something bad.

I really did love the beginning, and this comes from a girl who does NOT like babies. They’re so wrinkly and small, and louder than rabid fangirls screaming about the latest Bratz doll. (Those things always scared me, by the way. Their lips are like sausages.) Plus, how do such tiny things hold so much poop? Their internal organs must all be made of poo, or something. It’s ridiculous. However, baby Tarzan was kind of adorable. He is the one exception to my baby rule. But kid Tarzan? Not so much. Whatever god decided on my personality when I was in the womb, s/he forgot to give me maternal instincts. Oh well.

In the beginning of the movie, kid Tarzan has to assimilate to the gorilla world around him, which he tries really really hard to do. But the big daddy of the gorilla family, Kerchak, frowns upon this “hairless wonder.” He tells Tarzan’s mother harshly, “He will never be one of us.” Why, Kerchak, just ’cause he’s missing a little hair? I think that’s pretty unfair. I bet you aren’t perfect either. Maybe you like grapefruits, which are disgusting, or maybe you have a strange fascination with unwashed underpants. Don’t be such a discriminatory jerk.

So then there’s the montage where Tarzan grows up into a really buff guy. With a loincloth. Hi Tarzan! You’re a lot cooler now. You can even surf trees. Want to be my buddy, Tarzan? You can teach me how to surf on trees, and I’ll teach you how to wear 3-D glasses without looking like an idiot! I think that’s a pretty fair trade, buddy. I guess you can’t really teach me how to surf trees, though, because you only taught Jane in the end. Sadface. Am I not cool enough?

As a young adult, Tarzan finally manages to prove himself to Kerchak by killing the leopard (who looked pretty freakin’ scary [but still nothing compared to Ursula]) that had killed his own (human) parents (sob). Tarzan vs. the leopard was a battle of epic proportions. It was almost as epic as Edward vs. Horny Bella, or me vs. the hamburger. Except I never emerged from a hole in the ground, brandishing a dagger and carrying the uneaten burger triumphantly.

Shortly after this scene, Tarzan meets Jane for the first time. I have to hand it to her, Jane is a pretty darn fast runner if she can outrun sixty thousand angry baboons. Also, her umbrella must be made out of vampire skin or something, since it warded off all those angry baboons and then got stolen by a baby one. But why, oh why, must there always be the hero saving the damsel in distress? Arrrrgh. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I’m getting tired of that already. I have a feeling I’m going to really hate Sleeping Beauty. Anyway, when Tarzan and Jane matched palms for the first time when they met, I got goosebumps again. That was eerily beautiful. You could see the juxtaposition of their two different worlds just in that moment; his rough and course, hers refined. Disney, you are genius.

Except then Clayton butts in and makes Tarzan lead him to the gorillas. And then Tarzan, the idiot, trusts him. Have you no common sense, boy? Clayton is clearly the villain. He is an enormous jerk—you can tell because he won’t put that stupid gun down, and also, because he has one of the most unattractive noses I’ve ever seen. But alas, Tarzan is blinded by his love for Jane, and screws over his whole gorilla family. Way to go, buddy.

One of the most heartbreaking moments of the movie is when Tarzan’s mother shows him the old treehouse that his biological parents had built and says, “I just want you to be happy.” How can an interspecies family show so much love when so many human families and human mothers are dysfunctional? If a monkey mother can be more caring to a human baby than a human mother can, what is wrong with the world? So yeah, I think I was blubbering at that part, especially when his mother started crying at seeing him in human clothes. So much for “eating his tears for breakfast.”

And then the idiot just up and leaves. No goodbyes to his lifelong family or friends or anything. Tarzan’s awesomeness level starts dropping rapidly at this point. I mean, honestly, I’d actually thought he was an emotional, sentimental person. And then he goes and violates “bros before hoes” on a friggin familial level. What type of arsehole ditches all his friends and family without saying goodbye to go pursue some chick he’s known for barely any time? So yeah, I have serious issues with that. Jerk.

But it was so funny when Terk and Tantar (his gorilla and elephant buddies, respectively) were talking about going after him to rescue him. Terk was indignant about Tarzan’s unceremonious departure, and how does Tantar respond? ”I’ve had it with you and your emotional constipation!” Nicely said, Mr. Elephant. Nicely said. I think you should offer Terk some emotional prunes.

The ending battle was pretty cool. I was thinking, "I hope you die in a cage full of emotionally constipated gorillas, Clayton!" but I couldn’t scream it at my computer screen because my parents would have come in and shouted at me for having fun. And the very ending, when Jane is about to leave and is extending her hand for a handshake, Tarzan looks at it like, “A handshake? That’s all I get? Shouldn’t I get a hug... a special one?”

…But then Jane doesn't actually leave. Of course. Bet you never expected to meet your in-laws like that, Jane. You probably have cooler in-laws than 99% of the human population. And you learned how to tree-surf! I want to know how to tree-surf!

Overall, this movie was pretty darn amazing. Tarzan is still a bit of an ass for ditching everyone, but oh well. However, I think he should wear pants. I think his loincloth’s magical gravity-defying properties would definitely wear off at some point, and then he'd be pretty embarrassed.

But I do have one question: Why doesn’t Tarzan have facial hair? I would have expected him to grow a long, scraggly beard. Except then he might have looked like a lesser-clothed Jesus.

Uh, yeah, moving on. I was kind of disappointed by the lack of music. They pretty much only used two songs, "Two Worlds" and "You’ll Be In My Heart," which are both amazing, but there were no epic song sequences (besides Terk messing around in Jane’s camp. Oh, you musical monkey, you). SADFACE. Music is the Disney trademark! C’mon, guys! What next, are you going to start making horrible real-life movies about stupid friggin things with actors who can’t act?

Maybe the real-life takeover is the reason Tarzan was the last movie in the Disney Renaissance. Or maybe the head guy at Disney (who, unfortunately, is not Disney himself) suddenly started growing flesh-eating fungus on his scalp that ate his brain. Who knows? It's too bad, too, because I loved Tarzan. I don’t even know why I loved it so much. Maybe it was the surprising lack of heroines that set feminism back another hundred years, or maybe it was the ridiculously beautiful animation and background art. I'm not sure, but I do know that it was awesome.

The verdict: 4.5/5 slices of cheese

What do you think of Tarzan?

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Related Post: A N00b's Disney Adventure: Cinderella

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