Committee of Cool: Jape

WHEW. Let's all take a deep breath, shall we? Last week's uber-controversial review of the Jonas Brothers nearly sparked a civil war in the comments section: sister turned against sister, families were torn apart, and children wept as bowtie-bedecked wetsuits were berated and the Beatles were blasphemed (you GUYS, it was a JOKE; there's no WAY the JoBros could ever be better than the Beatles—only Justin Bieber has that kind of star potential). This week, we all need to step back and take a minute to remember what's really important:

Chelsea Dagger's reputation.

As you may have discerned, Chelsea is a violently sweaty and notoriously poor judge of music, which is why we were so absurdly grateful when your music video suggestions began to pour in. Now that we've got you on our side, the Committee of Cool can finally  live up to its name, and Chelsea can finally stop standing atop her desk with a megaphone, shouting humiliating apologies about her taste in music to the office at large. But please do keep in mind, Sparklers: you may not adore every song we review, and while we LOVE it when you share your opinions, we can all agree that lobbing insults is no way to solve a conflict. A vastly more efficient method for  reaching a compromise? Lobbing FOOD. There's no better time than now to start hurling tomatoes at your enemies; this week's video submission proves that even the toughest arguments can be laid to rest as long as everyone's willing to take a few high-speed apples to the face.

Music Selection, submitted by: NinjaNerd5000
Artist: Jape
Song: Floating

TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE CHAT:

Emma: That guy looks like everyone who lives in my neighborhood. When did it become cool for men to wear pants they bought in the Juniors section of JC Penny? Lift a weight, for god's sake.

Emily: I can carry my boyfriend from one end of our apartment to the other.

Chelsea: OH I DIDN'T KNOW WE STARTED.

Emily: It’s embarrassing for both of us.

Chelsea: I'M HERE NOW THOUGH, DON'T WORRY OR ANYTHING.

Emma: Oh god Chelsea. What is your prom-blem? We're not on vacation anymore!

Chelsea: I AM ALWAYS ON VACATION. At least the new intern likes me. I already told her we are being best friends.

Emma: Great, you're about the same age (not 50).

Chelsea: Let's see how many references we can make to Emma being super old in this conversation.

Emma: I have Alzheimer’s because I'm old.

Emily: And you look like the ugly dude from Gossip Girl. Your face ruined the show for me.

Chelsea: False. None of the dudes on Gossip Girl are ugly.

Emily: Penn Badgely.

Chelsea: False. I LOVE him. He's so writer-ly and moody. I think the guy in this video looks exactly like Penn Badgely. Except for more emaciated. And he has Jonas Brothers hair. Are we allowed to say "Jonas Brothers" anymore?

Emily: I have seen Sebastian Stan in the East Village. He is hot.

Chelsea: How juicy. I love it. I NEVER SEE ANYONE FAMOUS. MY LIFE BLOWS.

Emma: You will soon.

Emily: You have to GET OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT TO SEE FAMOUS PEOPLE.

Chelsea: I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT. Now that I installed my own air conditioner and got hooked up to the internet, there's no reason to ever make friends.

Emma: Chelsea, you’re a loser.

Chelsea: True. Also true: The best part of the whole video was when the guy jumped up in the air all slow-motion style and the watermelon exploded under his feet. HOW ABOUT THAT WATERMELON, AM I RIGHT?!

Emma: I felt bad about all the wasted food that looked delicious.

Emily: I liked the broccoli.

Chelsea: You WOULD feel bad about that, because you grew up during the Great Depression when food was scarce and you had to eat railroad ties. Like anybody even eats broccoli, anyway.

Emma: Wait! I have the solution! http://www.amateurgourmet.com/2008/11/the_best_brocco.html Ta-da! Now you love broccoli!

Chelsea: That does look suspiciously good, old man...

Emma: It's sooooo good. That's what I was thinking about while that gross hipster was getting pelted with apples. I don't understand the thesis of the video. What's it "all about"?

Emily: I don’t either. Is it that sometimes bad things happen? To vegetables?

Chelsea: The thesis is obviously that we should stone all the hipsters. It’s like that creepy short story "The Lottery" we had to read in 10th grade. But I don’t get what it means when he dies and is resurrected as a vegetable man.

Emma: And what about the lady who bites the lemon?

Emily: The song is like, "I have a crush on you, let's hold hands. Let's float, babe!" and that lady doesn't have anything to do with it.

Chelsea: Plus, there’s no way she could have actually been throwing fruit at that speed. There had to have been some sort of cannon involved.

Emily: Cupcake cannon?

Chelsea: It’s very possible. If you could only throw one vegetable at people for the rest of your life, what would that vegetable be?

Emily: What is Jape? Is Jape famous? Tomato, probably.

Chelsea: I would throw pumpkins. With a catapult.

Emily: Or pickles because then I would just pick them up and eat them.

Chelsea: You’re disgusting.

Emma: Grapes, because you could throw them erotically, if need be.

Chelsea: A VEGETABLE, Emma. We don’t need to hear about your gross old person grape-throwing dreams.

Emma: I had a stroke and forgot that grapes aren’t a vegetable.

Chelsea: Emma is Super Old Reference #3!

Emily: Oh, neither are tomatoes. Pickles, then. Or olives.

Chelsea: How did we feel when he kept getting nailed in the face with raspberries and the coconuts were just flying everywhere? I was deeply concerned.

Emma: Yes, it made me really anxious.

Emily: I was not worried. There are plenty more hipsters to go around.

Chelsea: Everyone say 3 deeply intelligent things about the movie. GO:

Emma: 1. It's a video

2. I like the fake painted sky.

Emily: Word.

Emma: 3. The singer's legs are really short, but his nose is pretty.

Chelsea: Thanks, guys, Thanks for those.

Emily: OMG HE'S NOT AMERICAN! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWSnWFnKXgQ&feature=related I like him soooooooooooo much better now.

Chelsea: Me too.  I want to date him. I want us to get milkshakes together at a diner and split a plate of cheese fries. That seems sophisticated, doesn’t it?

Emily: He's wearing the same necklace as in the video.

Emma: "Pump the jams, p-p-pump the jams"!!!!!!!!!! He's so cute! He seems so mild-mannered and self-deprecating!

Emily: So why the vegetables? Why the necklace?

Chelsea: Because he's HIP. He's with it. He's culturally relevant. He’s ahead of his time. Unlike Emma, who is hopelessly outdated. BAM.

Emma has left.

Emily has left.

Chelsea: They'll be sorry when I build that pumpkin catapult.

Now, doesn't that charmingly irrelevant live chat just put everything in perspective? Go bust open a coconut with your head and then tell us how you feel about this vid.

Related posts: The Committee of Cool: Janelle Monae, The Committee of Cool: the Jonas Brothers