Auntie SparkNotes: Whispering Secretfriends

Pssss pss psss secrets whisper ppsssss. —Shhhhparkitors

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

I have a problem with my friends. In a group of six I'm the only guy, and the problem is is that I feel excluded. In P.E., Friend A, Friend B, me, and occasionally others all have a great time and hang out. Sometimes friends A and B go off and have a conversation. If I try to join they literally tell me to go away because they're talking about something they don't want me to know. This not only makes me makes me think that they don't trust me, it makes me feel inferior to them. I don't really like to tolerate those kind of things, but I didn't want to be the whiny friend who always wants in on secrets, so I just let it go. After this happened several times, I talked to each of them separately. I asked that friend A include me more, and I asked that friend B just stop talking about things they don't want me to know while I'm around. They both said sorry, but obviously, this didn't help. They've both trusted me with stuff individually in the past so I don't know what the deal is, and when I ask they refuse to tell me. In my whole group of friends, I've caught all of them making plans with out even letting me know. Friend C said that it was a girl thing, but they could at least tell me right? And is it really a girl thing when they're only really excluding me? All in all, can you help me to make my friends include me, and could you tell me how to get people to trust me?

You have my sympathies, Sparkler. There's nothing worse than coming up on a pair of your friends, only to have them wave you off and then continue whisper-giggling over whatever seeeeecret secret they're currently sharing.

BUT. While Auntie is all for a) inclusiveness and b) equality between the sexes, I'm not sure your stance on this particular issue entirely makes sense. When two of your friends are having a private conversation about something they'd rather not discuss with you, it's natural to feel excluded. But inferior?

Really?

I mean, have you considered that the conversation you're intruding upon might be something like this?

Girl 1: Oh man, I am having the heaviest menstrual period EVER!
Girl 2: Holy crap, ME TOO! I had to stuff a tube sock into my babymaker just to stanch the bleeding!
Girl 1: TAMPONS!
Girl 2: TAMPONS OVARY VA-JAY-JAAAAAY!
Girl 1: Oh, that reminds me—did you watch "True Blood" last night?

Which is to say, not all private conversations are private because they're chock-full of tantalizing secrets that anyone would love to know. Sometimes, they're private because they're full of stuff that NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND wants to know. And in your case, since your friends refuse to tell you what they've been talking about, it's plenty possible that they're trading the sort of information that both they AND you would prefer you weren't privy to.

Of course, it's also possible that they're talking about how good your butt looks in those gym shorts, so who knows.

Either way, though, exclusionary secret-telling is a great way to breed resentment and divide a group of friends—and you're right, demanding to be let in on the gossip just makes you look like a giant whiner (and that would be the case whether or not you were already set apart from the group by your guy-ness.). The unfortunate truth is, you can't make your friends include you; you can only let them know that you feel excluded, see what they do with that information, and choose to react accordingly.

So, try this: The next time they step aside for a conversation that doesn't include you, say, "I understand if you guys want to talk privately about something, but could you stop doing it when the three of us are hanging out? It's really rude, and it makes me feel awful."

Then, see what happens. If they stop the whispering, then great. If not, that's too bad, but it's also information. If you know that they care more about public secret-sharing than they do about your feelings, then you can turn your attention to whether or not you want to continue a friendship with people who behave that way.

That's only half the solution, though. The other half is you, accepting that the world does occasionally divide along gender lines, and learning not to take it personally. Is it really a girl thing when they're only excluding you? Um, yeah. Just because you're the only one who's not a girl, that doesn't change the fact that you are not a girl. And while I understand that you'd like to be invited, even if it's just for show, you have to take at least a little responsibility for having put yourself into a situation where you're (literally!) the odd man out. Presumably you all do plenty of hanging out together where you are included—and presumably, being the only guy in a crowd of women is something you enjoy, for the most part. Right?

So, build in a little understanding for the uniqueness of your position, and try to see it as something other than a personal affront when the girls occasionally want to organize an activity for the non-wienered. It's not about you. And realizing that will not only do wonders for putting your mind at ease, but will go a long way toward making you seem understanding and... wait for it... trustworthy.

Besides, they're probably all just getting together and talking about tampons, anyway.

Thoughts on secrets? Gender wars? Tampons??? Leave 'em below! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com. You can also find her on Facebook.