Rachel Korowitz is one of our new SparkLife writers. Welcome to the fam, Rachel! —Sparkitors
Fact: Most movies cost frillions* and kakillions* of dollars to make. But we've thought of a simple way for Hollywood to spend less money while massively improving movie quality: mash scripts together, thus saving save cash and creating cross-genre crowd pleasers! They're guaranteed to earn, like, fradillions* of teh cashmoniez.
Sex and the City 2: Prince of Persia
Tagline: "All the Cultural Intolerance You Can Handle...And More!"
Synopsis: In modern-day, fabulous Abu Dhabi, a manipulative Shahzadi (Kim Catrall) longs for the Sands of Time—the only surefire way she can preserve her youth (and reduce her enormous plastic surgery expenditures). Can a wily prince (Jake Gyllenhaal) keep this precious treasure from falling into the wrong hands? And can he save the Persian Gulf's population from a serial blogger (Sarah Jessica Parker), who starts every post with, "I couldn't help but wonder..."?
Cameo(s): Every major brand/label ever.
The Back-up Plan: Human Centipede
Tagline: "Dr. Love is in the house...especially when the sutures rupture."
Synopsis: Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) has had it with the dating scene! Since she's determined have a family, she opts for single parenthood, but as fate would have it, she makes her decision right when she meets the perfect man-woman-woman. Although the Centipede is the Frankensteinish creation of a mad scientist, it's also got a whole lot of heart—three, to be exact. How many pairs of cold feet is too many? From the Netherlands.
Cameo(s): Adam Lambert (as the fertility doctor), Justin Bieber (as the relationship counselor)
Get Him to the Shrek
Tagline: "This rock star is ogre and done for!"
Synopsis: A young music exec (Jonah Hill) has 72 hours to maneuver an over-the-hill rock star (Russell Brand) into the gaping maw of an amnesiac, man-eating ogre (Shrek, as voiced by Mike Myers). Will the monster remember his pacifist past in time, or will he begin a reign of destruction?
Cameo(s): Kate Gosselin (as The Sucking Vortex of Death/Music Exec #2), J.C. Chasez (as Geppetto)
Robin Hood's Letters to Juliet
Tagline: "Arrows by any other name would smell as awesome!"
Synopsis: Robin Hood (Russell Crowe) battles evil King John (Jorge Garcia, aka Hurley from "LOST"), but when he meets a young American time traveler (Amanda Seyfried), all bets are off. Can Robin's letters win her heart? And can this master archer find a way to keep true love from making him so darned clumsy around a bow and arrow? Director Ridley Scott adds explosive levels of heartfelt sweetness to this timeless romantic comedy.
Cameo(s): Niecy Nash (as Maid Marion), John Mayer (as the guy Amanda Seyfried publicly dumps and humiliates, but you kind of hope that he's not as big of an idiot as he seems to be because sometimes he says funny and endearing things, but then he totally proves that he's exactly the idiot you thought might be, and then you kind of hope he has enough sense to stop talking and fade into the background, but since he's an idiot, he totally can't do that, so you just kind of sigh and go "whatever," and thank the heavens that you guys only went out on, like, two mall dates, and you chalk the $6.95 plus tip you spent on his tacos up to the price you had to pay to realize that your friends were right, and once an idiot, always an idiot)
*These are actual scientific numbers, as designated by science-y scientists. Also: science.
Leave your movie mashups in the 'ments!
Related post: Movie Review: Shrek Forever After