20 Things We Don't Understand About Mario

A N00b's Disney Adventure: Cinderella

By Contributor

May 27, 2010

flunkybed is our resident, hilarious Disney critic. Loyal Disney fans, be warned: her reviews don't always have happy endings. —Sparknotes editors

Hmm, I hope the readers of this post are a nice, tolerant, peaceful bunch of hobbits, because in my Little Mermaid post, I may have accidentally ripped out someone’s heart and burned it up with hydrochloric acid. (Sorry. Please accept this baby head as my apology.) And, well, I liked Cinderella about as much as I like having my eyeballs gouged out.

Actually, that's an exaggeration; I just thought the movie was pretty boring. Ugh, Cinderella’s voice was terrible. I felt like I’d dunked my ears in a bucket of melted sugar. Is it just me, or do all '50s actresses have the same sickly sugary voices? And then when they transitioned from Cinderella’s voice to the little mice and birds, my ears felt like they were about to fall off. Actually, I might have missed a lot of the dialogue in the movie due to my outburts about these horrible sounds. It went something like this:

Cinderella: ‘Cause if you tell a wish, it won’t come true! And after all.. *big smile*
Me: No. Shut up. Go drink some vinegar.
Cinderella: A dreeeeam...is a wish your heart makes! Whennn...you’re fastt...asleeeep...
Me: Hey, this isn’t so bad. Maybe you should sing your lines throughout the movie instead of talking.
Cinderella: No matter how your heart is grieving! If you keep on believing! The dreeeam...that you wiiish...will come trueee!
Me: …Wait, wtf is up with the lyrics. [will address this later]
Cinderella: Ohhh, that clock! Old killjoy! Well, I hear you! Blah blah blah blah!
Me: Argh please please please stop talking in that exaggeratedly emotive voice. Please?
Maybe I should let the ear wax in my ears build up, to soften the impact of “Ohhhh Lucifer you big bad boy!” in her horribly sweet voice and “CINDERELLY CINDERELLY LOOK WE’RE BEING LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS” in their horribly shrill squeals.

Stop judging. I have sensitive ears.

And, the girl was too perfect. Her personality was so damn nice. I felt like a horrible person after watching her tolerate her awful family and be so effing sweet and good to everyone. God, Cinders (can I call you that from now on? It sounds less pretty than “Cinderella” but that’s the point). YOU’RE SO ANNOYINGLY SWEET AND GROSS. Leave some goodness for the rest of us. And your shoes! What was up with those! They slid on like they were freakin’ painted on! (Oh wait. They kinda were.)

On to music. As mentioned earlier, “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” is pretty good, melody-wise. But lyrically? Seriously, dude: “No matter how your heart is grieving / If you keep on believing / The dream that you wish will come true”??? Really, now. So if I was grieving over a piece of cake that I dropped, and I kept on believing that the five-second-rule didn’t apply to cake, and then I wished that I could pick it up and it would be good and clean again, then would come true? And the title itself—“a dream is a wish your heart makes”—is so blatantly false it makes me want to punch my virtual pet fish in the ovaries. If she’s talking about the type of “dream” as in, “My dream is to become an ice-cream-taster someday,” that’s a dream your brain makes. And if she’s talking about the other dream, as in, “Last night I dreamed that I got eaten by a carnivorous unicorn,” your heart definitely does not make that dream either.

Plot-wise, I didn't think there was much substance. And I didn’t even really understand the whole driving force of the plot—her obsession with going to the palace and falling in love with the prince. After all, for all she knew, the prince could be a balding, middle-aged creep with smelly toenails and an abundance of chest hair. However, I thought that maybe her motivation for going to the palace was to manipulate the prince into falling in love with her so that she could marry him and climb out of her hellhole of a house. Maybe she wasn’t a freak who sneezed rainbows, after all. Score one for Cinderella’s almost-nonexistent selfish side! (But her angelic, good, pure, muffin-baking side is still at 1,000. Sigh.)

Also, what was up with her “falling in love at the castle” scene? It seemed like all they did was dance around for a couple seconds in front of 19,384,739 jealous girls, and then sing a song in the garden while prancing around in the daisies, and then bam! They were magically in love.

Going off on a tangent here, why are princes in Disney movies all named “Prince Charming”> Why are they never “Prince Awesome," or “Prince Dazzling," or “Prince Necrophile"? Or even “Prince Charming V” or “Prince Charming XXI” like the princes always were in real life? The Disney universe is so confusing.

The verdict: 2.5/5 slices of cheese. Don’t tear my arm off, please. I need it to dust the chimney and cook for my evil stepsisters and dance with the faceless prince at the ball.

What rating do you give Cinderella?

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