20 Things We Don't Understand About Mario

Craving your Thursday Dan fix? You're in luck! He sent us this post this morning, before disappearing into the wild world of Memorial Day travel. Enjoy! —Sparkitors

Last Sunday, the latest (greatest?) Mario adventure was released for the Nintendo Wii. Super Mario Galaxy 2 has received high praise for its inventive gameplay and super-friendly graphics. Like its predecessor, Super Mario Galaxy 2 takes the plucky plumber across the stars to various mini-planets where gravity fluctuates and Mario must once again hop around wildly to save the day.

We like Mario. Really, we do. But the moment we stop to think about what’s going on in the game, our brain does a flip-flop similar to what happened when we watched the LOST finale. (What’s the deal with Walt, damn it!) Not a single Mario game makes a lick of sense. Here are our top 24 burning question about the most famous man in overalls.

1. What does he do for a living? He hasn’t been a plumber since the original Mario Bros. game, and even then his job was less about unclogging toilets and more about stepping on crabs. We refuse to call him a plumber until he plumbs something.

2. Where are all the humans? There’s Mario, his brother Luigi, their evil counterparts Wario, and Waluigi, and…um…that’s about it. So, the Princess doesn’t have many options when looking for her Prince. Does anyone else feel sorry for her? No offense Mario, but you’re not exactly in her league. It would be like Angelina Jolie dating Zach Galifianaki.

3. How can turtles kill you? OK, a turtle might chew into your chest and eat your heart, but that would take twenty-three minutes and nineteen seconds. All these turtles do is touch you, sometimes with nothing but their shells, and then you die.

4. Why do these turtles have such slimy bellies? Yes, these turtles have slimy bellies. How else can you explain the way the shells slide across the screen when you step on them? And how can they kill you?

5. Seriously, how can a turtle kill you?

6. Where does Mario put the coins? Vulgar answer: His butt. But seriously, his pockets can hold maybe a handful of nickels, and these coins are bigger than his head. It doesn’t make sense.

7. What rich maniac places floating coins all over the place?

8. How do the coins float? (Our theory: They are tethered to tiny, invisible, super-strong bees. It’s the same way we explain how helicopters work.)

9. Why doesn’t Luigi help more? In most of the games, Mario must defy death, leap over fire, and escape from killer turtles, while Luigi is nowhere to be found. In the later games, you sometimes have the option to plays as Luigi, but that begs the question: Where does Mario go when Luigi is getting things done? Do these brothers have a summer home in the Hamptons? If they teamed up (as they have in some Role Playing Games), that Princess would be safer, sooner.

10. Where does the fire come from? Mario eats a flower, turns pink, and gains the ability to shoot fire. That makes sense. But is he spitting the fire out of his mouth, or shooting it out of his finger? Is there a hole in his finger? Does it hurt to shoot fire out of your finger? What muscles must one flex to shoot fire from a finger?

11. What holds the bricks in place? Tiny, invisible, super-strong bees, presumably. But where do the bricks go when you smash them? Vulgar answer: Mario’s butt.

12. If you throw a turtle shell at turtle, does it really die?

13. Define Mario's relationship with Bowers. Mario hates Bowser. He has killed him on various occasions. Bowser has tried to murder Mario. They don’t get along. So why do they play tennis together?

14. Where did Bowser get all of his money? He must have had a rich uncle or something, because it’s not like he has a real job, and yet he owns castles, airships, and entire planets.

15. Doesn’t the Princess have an army? Why is it always Mario’s job to rescue her? Where is the military? This kingdom is so backwards. It deserves to be invaded by Bowser.

16. Why can’t Mario afford a car? The guy has thousands and thousands of coins. If we had that kind of scratch, we wouldn’t be riding around in a dinky go-cart that is so poorly designed that a single banana peel can cause a deadly crash.

17. Why is Mario so calm and blasé? You’d think that when faced with the type of bizarre situations he’s been placed into, that he might...you know…look impressed. If we saw floating coins and bricks hanging in midair, our first reaction wouldn’t be, “Neat. Now let’s kill turtles.” We would gawk. Take a few pictures. Call our friends and say, “Holy crap! There are floating coins…and probably tiny, invisible, super-strong bees!”

18. Why are there underwater levels? Those suck. No one enjoys them. It’s worse than math.

19. If Mushrooms and Flowers give Mario powers, why doesn’t he keep a bunch with him at all times? He can clearly store hundreds of giant coins somewhere (giggle) on his body, so stashing a few flowers wouldn’t be too difficult.

20. Why are these games so awesome if the story makes absolutely no sense at all? And can someone help us with Super Mario Galaxy 2? We’re stuck…on the beginning. (We suck at these topsy-turvy 3D games.)

Answer Dan's questions!

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