How to Break Up with Almost Anyone

Awww man, jgrudzy! We wish you’d sent this guide just a little bit earlier: we sure could have used it when we were trying to break things off with our pirate-mime boyfriends. — SparkNotes editors

So, you want to end it with your not-quite-forever buddy, but you just can’t think of the best way to say "it's OVER." To help, I’ve compiled a list of suggestions. Here’s how to break up with almost anybody:

The geek: "I’m quarantining your virus out of my system."

The gleek: "Mercedes, I’m gay."

The jock: "We’ve been having a losing season, and I’m quitting the team."

The non-conformist: "I’m trying out for the cheerleading squad."

The mime:

The trekkie: "Live long and prosper. Just not with me."

The vampire: "I want to be with someone more…tan."

The pirate: "The rum is gone."

The overachiever: "I just need to spend more time slacking off, you know?"

The clinger: "I have ebola. And it's highly contagious."

The theater nerd: "The curtain has closed on the stage of our affair."

The foreign exchange student: "I’m having you deported."

The werewolf: Why would anyone want to break up with a werewolf? They have jetpacks!

How do you call it quits when a relationship fizzles out?

Related post: How to Break Up in 25 Steps