Committee of Cool: The Jonas Brothers

Okay, we know what you're thinking: the Jonas Brothers? Have the SparkNotes editors no shame? Have they completely lost their minds? Are they single-handedly responsible for the ruination of music? NO, YES, AND YES.

But don't revoke our CoolTown citizenship just yet: you might be surprised by just how much you LOVE this video. And by "love," we of course mean "despise."  And by "despise," we mean "FIND TOTALLY AND UTTERLY IRRESISTIBLE." We'll leave the final decision up to you, so remember, you've got the power to make Chelsea Dagger climb atop her desk wearing pseudo-vintage shark-skin loafers and a dinner jacket with suede lapels, megaphone and dignity in hand. Last week, you concluded that Janelle Monae was on the brink of rad-ness, and this week, you'll tell us if the Jo Bros are the height of bad-ness (there's nothing like a great rhyme to set the stage for a killer boy band performance). So turn your speakers all the way up, put on a trendy three-piece suit, gel your hair to within an inch of its life, and get ready: it's time to experience the JONAS.

Editor Music Selection, submitted by Chelsea Dagger:
Artist: The Jonas Brothers
Song: Burnin' Up

TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE CHAT:

Emily: All here?

Chelsea: YEP.

Emily: Do you think there is even one Sparkler who likes the Jo-nasties?

Chelsea: Uh, I am a Sparkler, and I love them.

Emily: You're a Sparkitor, idiot.

Emma: They're so flabby.

Chelsea: FLABBY? They are chiseled pre-teen perfection. And I meant for that to sound creepy.

Emily: This song is the pits.

Chelsea: "The pits"? Is this the 1960s?

Emily: I thought I might kind of like it, but I don’t. And the kids are saying "the pits" nowadays. Get with it.

Chelsea: I though the video was BRILLIANT. They’re modern-day geniuses with exceptional taste in clothing.

Emma: You don’t think that. You’re just trying to be controversial.

Emily: Do you think someone owns that pool with the stage in it? And, like, they have Nickleback come and play on it? Like for parties? Or was that just a one-time-stage thing? And who is the guy who raps? He is a real adult. He has no business in this video.

Emma: He's the only one I'd date. He must be so embarrassed about his life.

Chelsea: But how about the part with the handcuffs and the 80’s clothes? I love me some neon windbreakers.

Emma: The wetsuit has a bowtie.

Chelsea: DOES IT? That’s magical! And I think the guy from Kill Bill is in this video. Plus, there's quite a few cameos by up-and-coming Disney Channel stars.

Emma: Selena, right?? See, I'm hip! I'm with it!

Emily: Are you guys listening to the lyrics? “High heels, red dress? I still don’t have a reason, you still don’t have a clue”? These boys are HUSSIES.

Emma: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeS-Xb5u4-U

Chelsea: That was supposed to be a video of you being hip, wasn’t it.

Emma: YES.

Chelsea: I never noticed before how much you look like Dr. Evil.

Emma: tucku tucku tucku tucka....aiiiIIII!

Emily: this video is NOOOO. I can't do it anymore.

Emma: I wish there were grinding! And they're such bad lip-synchers.

Emily: Why is the song so slow?

Chelsea: GRINDING?!? This isn’t a brothel, Emma. And it’s not slow, IT’S AN UP-TEMPO MASTERPIECE.

Emma: They're not even trying.

Emily: Isn't one of them married?

Emma: Yes. And one of them looks like a middle-aged accountant. I think it’s the suit.

Emily: Isn't it illegal to get married at 14?

Chelsea: You are both FOOLS. The Jonas Brothers are the greatest band of our generation. They’re better than the Beatles. You’re blinded by your hatred.

Emma: http://www.dlisted.com/node/36134. Their movie is called "Chasing Butterflies."

Chelsea: WHERE DO YOU KEEP GETTING ALL THESE LINKS?!?

Emma: The internet. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Chelsea: I’m going to punch you in the throat.

Emma: Ok, can we talk about the guy in the middle and his pants? The white pants?

Chelsea: Ooooh, I adore those! Emma, they would look lovely on you for the summer. Very avant garde. Very  hip. Very now.

Emily: And there is a boat! A speed boat! It should be a sailboat. That would have been more environmentally friendly.

Emma: That was the funniest part! He looked like such a moron banging along in his red flat boat.

Chelsea: You guys clearly don't understand the depth of these young men. Their substantial talent is wasted on you.

Emma: You don't even have any real arguments to make.

Chelsea: Uh, their hair is flawless?

Emma: They look like soccer moms.

Chelsea: And their bone structure is impeccable?

Emma: Chelsea, they're short, out of shape, and not at all attractive.

Chelsea: WHOA EMMA, PUMP THE BREAKS.

Emily: I want them to save the girls, but then I want the girls to kick them in the head. Because the damsel in distress thing is not cool to teach 4th graders. Come on.

Chelsea: It was cool in the 1800s. That’s when this video is set, right?

Emily: Wet suits are humans at their grossest. I also have 3 wetsuits.

Chelsea: You are grosser than I ever imagined.

Emma: I always wanted a wetsuit. Are they sticky?

Chelsea: THAT'S IT. I’M LEAVING.

Emma: Let's start calling her "Bonus Jonas" behind her back.

Emily: DEAL.

Chelsea: I CAN STILL SEE WHAT YOU'RE TYPING, MORONS.

Emma has left.

Emily has left.

Chelsea: Whatever. I'm going to go make a wetsuit with a bowtie. We'll see who's laughing THEN.

Chelsea has left.

First question: is Chelsea  Dagger the least cool person ever to exist? Probably. Second question: which Jonas Brother do you find most devilishly attractive? That was a trick. The answer is ALL OF THEM.

Sparklers, it's truth time: what did you think?

Related post: The Committee of Cool: Janelle Monae