The SparkNotes Scoop: Sweat, Spelunking, and Sparkitor Back Stories

Ok, we lied. There won’t be any spelunking in this post. We just like saying the word, and we really dig that part in Batman Begins where Morgan Freeman stares at Christian Bale all like, "I KNOW you're not really using this magic, steel-enforced, polyurethane cape to go spelunking, you MO-ron." (Remember that part? Yeah, neither do we.) But we will be addressing sweat and Swanky Sparkitor Back Stories, so snap out of your Monday morning stupor and get ready to be enlightened.

There are several mini-sized Burning Questions that need to be answered before we get to the big kahuna of the day. The first was asked best by Chelsea Dagger’s mother in an anxious email, which read "WHY ARE YOU SO SWEATY? ARE YOU SICK? FEVERISH? IT’S PROBABLY MALARIA. REMEMBER TO LAYER YOUR CLOTHES. XO, MOM." Clearly, the multiple times (14, but who's counting) the word "sweat" was used in the last post caused some of you concern, but worry not: Chelsea Dagger isn’t in any immediate danger of disintegrating into a messy, medium-sized puddle of perspiration and fancy-jacket pulp. Sure, she buys desktop fans like they're goin' outta style and sweats a little more than the average person, but we think it makes her look intriguingly shiny, like a cute swamp monster. On to the next mini-sized question, which arose in the comments and went something like this: "Pish posh! Chelsea Dagger isn't new to SparkNotes! She's been ‘round for ages! What's all this poppycock about her being the latest addition to the crew?" (Note: that sentence reads a lot better if you say it in an indignant Draco Malfoy voice and then kick your house-elf in the eye).  Conveniently, the answer to that question segues perfectly into the actual Burning Question:

Burning Question: How do you become a Sparkitor? Can anyone do it?

Sizzlin’ Answer, Seared Like a Fine Piece ‘O Meat: You become a Sparkitor just like Hercules became a legend: by cleaning the Augean stables for a day (believe us, that’s one day too many), slaying the 9-headed Hydra (not impossible if you’re crafty with a glue gun!) and possessing genetically flawless hair. Plus, you need to be able to run 3 miles in 3 minutes, and you’ve got to have access to a submarine. Just kidding (except about the submarine, which is utterly essential). Anyone who can write can become a Sparkitor, and as a special treat, we’re going to tell how two of us (the most wildly attractive two, in our humble opinion) ascended to our present-day positions in the sky. Here you are, Sparklers: Swanky Sparkitor Back Stories for Chelsea Dagger and Emily Winter!

Chelsea Dagger's Story: Chelsea attended the University of Denver, where she majored in Creative Writing, wore a lot of ill-advised t-shirts from the Men's department at Urban Outfitters, served as the editorial assistant for the Denver Quarterly, and interned at Fulcrum Publishing. Post-graduation, she attended the Denver Publishing Institute and interned at Wolverine Farm Publishing, which was awesome, because it led people to believe that she raised tiny ferocious bears in her spare time. After her friend posted this Dan Bergstein article on her Facebook wall, Chelsea submitted this article to SparkLife, and was hired by Emily as a freelance writer for the blog. 8 months later, she applied for an opening in the Editorial department, and after a phone interview (the high point of which was her stuttering, “Well, your office is in Chelsea, and my name is Chelsea, so….I mean, that’s probably maybe a good reason I would be a person? To work for you?”) she was hired. She moved to New York three weeks ago, gets lost on the subway practically every day, and has become a popular tourist attraction due to the unbelievable magnitude of her sweatiness. Her favorite pasttime is writing emails to Emily Winter that read "everything about you makes me want to throw up," or "HELPMEHELPME I BROKE MY COMPUTER."

Emily Winter's Story: Emily "Nuclear" Winter majored in journalism and sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and was the editor of a daily student newspaper there. Then she decided to try to be funny (we know—bad decision), so she interned at The Colbert Report. After failing miserably at telling jokes, she became a writing assistant to an editor at Vogue magazine, where she often jetted off to London, wore enviably chic shoes, and put Anne Hathaway to shame. Next, she worked on a dumb TV show and hated every minute of it, so she quit and did what anyone else would do: became a mate on a yacht. SERIOUSLY. She also got a part-time job as a book packager, and then answered an ad calling for SparkLife writers. After a few months of freelancing, saying things like "landlubbers" and "thar she blows" on the yacht, and thinking up book ideas as a book packager, she was offered a position as a full-time Sparkitor. She now spends her days inventing awesome stuff like The Friday Awards and hiding Chelsea Dagger's cell phone in the ceiling.

There you have it, Sparklers: the true stories of how we became generals, generals became gladiators, and gladiators defied an emperor. That might be the tagline from Gladiator, but it might not. We don't really have time to check.

P.S. We really can't thank you enough for A: your awesome response to this series and B: your very generous offers of free yachts, per our request in the last post. Please have the yachts shipped directly to our home addresses, and, if it's possible, staple one of those obnoxiously large bows on top. Don’t forget to giftwrap the life vests. And include a barbeque grill. And turquoise deck shoes. And the male cast members of “Glee.” Yep. That should do it.

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