Blogging Eclipse: Part 25
Chapter Twenty-Five: Mirror
Better Title: Why Are There Still Three Chapters Left?
The chapter begins with Bella feeling sad about something and Edward ripping up whatever is left of Victoria. Eddie prepares a fire to burn the remains, and Seth brings over the chunks of Riley he didn't devour.
Do the werewolves actually eat the vampires? That part isn't clear. I know werewolves are always hungry, and I know they hate vampires, so it would make sense that they would eat the vampires, not because they taste good, but out of spite. That's why I eat raisins. I just hate them so much because they don't taste very good. It's a complicated vicious cycle.
Edward finally notices that Bella is still holding her drama-dagger, the piece of rock she was going to use to slice open her flesh in the hopes of distracting Victoria. Of course, we all know this was pointless, because Victoria's one weakness is her love of the sound of gasps. She would stop in mid-fight just to hear a beautiful gasp.
Edward is freaked out at the sight of Bella with the drama-dagger. He slowly approaches and tries to keep her calm, saying things like, "It's OK, Bella. Everything is fine," and "I'm a walking punch line who lacks a personality." (He may not have said that second line. I've just read this chapter and already it's a blur.) See, Edward is worried that Bella will be afraid of him after she witnessed what he did to Victoria. Plus he knows, as do we all, that Bella can be a tad…what's the word…assy?…when it comes to dealing with things. So he's being extra cautious.
But Bella seems to be handling things pretty well. She drops the drama-dagger and rushes into Edward's arms sobbing about love and passion and Wuthering Heights. (Again, she may not have mentioned Wuthering Heights. I can't remember.) Seth just ignores them.
By the way, some readers have asked why I bumped Jacob down to my third favorite character and promoted the inexperienced Seth to spot number two. Jacob is great. Don't get me wrong. But he's too smitten with Smelly Belly for my taste. As I said before, I don't know what he sees in her, and the fact that he can't let her go bugs me.
If I see someone wearing a dumb, whiny shirt, even if I want that shirt, I'm not going to dedicate my life to claiming the shirt, because there are plenty of other, less assy shirts at the store.
Anyway, so the vampire corpses are burning, which I find odd since I thought Edward told us all that vampires are nearly impossible to destroy. If vampires have skin that's stronger than stone, I'm pretty sure it won't burn in a fire made from nearby twigs. I just called my older brother, who has a PhD in bio-electrical engineering, and he agrees, and then he told me to stop bothering him with my goofy internet job because he's very busy saving the entire universe with his laser beams. (No joke, my brother makes laser beams.)
Suddenly, something happens. I can't remember what. But either Seth howls, or Edward cries. Or they both holler. Whatever. The point is, Jacob is injured. We don't learn about this for a few pages, because Stephenie Meyer thinks is so damn cute to have Edward and Seth know everything while panic-stricken Bella is left in the dark. Ms. Meyer does this all the time. The first few times Bella didn't know what was happening, I went along with it. If anything, it added some much-needed tension to this otherwise assy story.
But now, every freaking chapter has a scene in which Edward reads minds, or the werewolves share thoughts, or Alice sees something, and Bella goes on and on about how she doesn't understand what's happening.
If I were Bella, I wouldn't let these freaks treat me like this. I would say, "Yo dead boy, you best cough up the info, or the next face you'll be touching will be the face I draw on my fist, and that face-fist will be touching your face, but with great force!" I'd hopefully come up with something more elegant to say when the time comes, but you get the idea.
OK, so Jacob is injured. But that's not all! The Volturi are approaching. The little girl who can hurt people with her mind, Dakota Fanning, arrived in Forks with a few guards to deal with the evil vampire army. Sadly, Marcus (giggle) doesn't make the trip. Probably he was busy updating his trashy gossip blog, www.X_Marcus_The_Spot.vamp, where he writes about celebrity relationships.
The Volturi don't like werewolves, even the nice ones like Seth, Jacob, and Teen Wolf. So the wolves run back to La Push. Edward says the Volturi aren't after the werewolves, and they won't even know the werewolves were involved in the war, because they won't notice this particular werewolf scent.
I was under the impression that the Volturi vampires were all-knowing, all-powerful vampires. These ancient baddies aren't able to smell werewolves? The same werewolves whose sent is so strong that Eddie can smell Jacob's odor on Bella's hair for hours after Jacob left? This seems assy.
DAKOTA FANNING: I smell something strong and unpleasant.
VOLTURI GUARD 1: I smell it too. It's like a beast but with hints of human…
VOLTURI GUARD 2: Maybe it's a wolf that was stapled to a man.
DAKOTA FANNING: Hmm. Probably. This is most unusual. I also wonder how the Cullens could have defeated an entire army of newborn vampires.
JASPER: We moved fast. Sideways, too.
DAKOTA FANNING: That explains it. The smell is a wolf stapled to a man or maybe burnt popcorn. Let's not worry about it.
Edward takes the still-confused Bella to the clearing. On the way, he (finally) explains that Werewolf Jacob was injured trying to protect Werewolf Leah. The news that Jacob was hurt makes Bella very sleepy, and she takes a nap.
When she wakes up, she is in the clearing, surrounded by the Cullens. Emmett is there. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I got a new basketball. Guess what I named it! I named it Emmett. Now, after I make each and every shot, I say, "Thanks Emmett," and smile. Then my friends smile. Then they smile with their voices. It sounds a lot like giggling, but it's really just loud smiles. You make everyone happy, Emmett.
Carlisle tells the dazed Bella that Jacob is going to be fine, he simply broke half of the bones in his body! Half of his body is broken? And he's going to be fine? Werewolves are amazing! My cousin broke one tiny wrist bone and she was in a cast for, like, 26 years. This is why I want to be a werewolf. Well, this and the fact that my knee hair would finally be long enough that I could braid it. That's not weird, folks. That's just being original. Holler!
Carlisle examined Jacob himself, and assures Bella that everything will be fine and dandy. But then…
Oh wait! I forgot about the part where Alice predicts, "Bella will open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds." Once again, I'll ask: Does that mean Bella made a decision to open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds? She seemed too sleepy/passed out to be making decisions.
So Bella is awake and happy that Jacob isn't dead. She then notices a new vampire in the group, a crazy-eyed newborn named Bree. During the war, Bree surrendered to nice-guy Carlisle, and now Dr. C. is trying to convince her that eating people is bad.
But Bree, like every single person in this book, is immediately infatuated with Bella. She wants to kill her. But Carlisle calms Bree down.
Then the Volturi arrive wearing cloaks. Cloaks? Really? You're in Forks, Washington, idiots, not at Anne Rice's pool party. I can't believe they're wearing cloaks. Maybe they love the attention, like that dude at the mall who wears far too many wrist accessories. But if the Volturi are trying to keep vampires a secret, they shouldn't walk around in cloaks. The first thing I think of when I see someone in a cloak is, "Hey, look at that vampire in the cloak. If a hot air balloon flies, would a cold-air balloon burrow underground?" (My mind wanders easily.)
Dakota Fanning is leading the group of Volturi guards. I actually like her, just as I liked Aro. They both have a menacing quality about them, making them a more interesting enemy than silly Victoria. Aro and Dakota are sinister. All Vickie did was run around like a maniac and make babies…just like Kate Gosselin.
Dakota Fanning says they came to town to kill these newborn vampires, but is glad to see that the Cullens did the dirty work. Edward assumes the Volturi timed their visit specifically hoping that the newborn vampires would kill the Cullens. And later, Dakota all but admits that Edward is right.
I don't get this. Aro loves the Cullens more than then the craziest Twi-hard. He probably has one of those Edward cardboard cut-outs in his room, memorizes all the questions in the New Moon board game, and "collects" the Twilight Barbie dolls. He's such a fan boy. He let Edward, Alice, and Bella go in the last book. He doesn't want them dead. If he did, they would be goners. Aro doesn't mess around. He's not Marcus. So why all the sneaky-sneaky strategies to have the Cullens murdered?
Tee-hee. Sorry, I was just loudly smiling while I thought about Marcus.
Of course, there is still one newborn left, the hungry Bree. Dakota uses her mind-hurting powers on Bree, who coughs up all the information she knows regarding Victoria and the vampire army.
Certain that Bree is the last of the newborns, Dakota orders Felix to kill her as punishment for being in the naughty vampire army. Dakota says something along the lines of, "Sorry kiddo. We don't give people second chances."
But that's a boldfaced lie. They gave Edward a second chance, and he broke the numero uno vampire rule: Don't reveal the existence of vampires. Plus, he was about to walk around topless in Volturi's fancy town square, which is surely a no-no. And for these crimes, his only punishment was to leave Italy and become forever buddies with Bella.
So if Bree broke the rules by simply being a vampire, I'd assume her punishment would be far less severe. Maybe her penalty would be to eat delicious ice cream waffles or ride a roller coaster. If nothing else, the Volturi seem surprisingly lenient in terms of their laws.
But not this time. Felix kills Bree. So I guess all that time I spent coming up with a great nickname for Bree was wasted. (By the way, I narrowed it down to either The Walrus or Knick-Knack.)
Dakota and the rest of the Volturi march out of the woods and head back to Italy, but not before Dakota looks at Bella and says, "Dude. She's still a human. What the hell, Eddie?"
Edward doesn't even offer up an excuse like, "Well, I was going to make her a vampire, but then, um, the house was on fire? And there was a hurricane? And I couldn't find my shoes? So I couldn’t turn her into a vampire?" Instead, he says nothing. And Dakota simply says, "Dude, you best watch yourself, because I'm totally telling on you."
So once again, Edward (and Bella) broke the Volturi law, and their punishment is another assy warning. Why didn't Dakota use her mind powers to make Edward fall to the ground, and then turn Bella into a vampire herself? Why are the Volturi leaving? How can they be sure that no other newborn vampires are still out there? Who took down Bella's tent and packed up her camping gear? Why are there still two more chapters in this book?
Glowers: 1 (Book total 15)
Murmurs: 7 (Book total 91)
The Volturi return to their headquarters in Italy.
ARO: So, how was your mission to America?
DAKOTA FANNING: It went well, master. But we didn't need to kill the newborns. The Cullens did it before we arrived.
ARO: Neat. So…um, did Edward say anything about me?
DAKOTA FANNING: Not really.
ARO: He didn't ask about me?
DAKOTA FANNING: Nope.
ARO: What was he wearing? Be specific.
DAKOTA FANNING: I really don't know.
ARO: How can you not know? Was he wearing slacks? Yoga pants? Jean pants? I bet he was wearing jean pants.
DAKOTA FANNING: I guess he was wearing jeans.
ARO: Squeeeeee! That's soooo Edward.
MARCUS: I bet you guys think Sandra Bullock hates Jesse James, right? Well guess what!
ARO: Shut up, Marcus!
DAKOTA FANNING: Before we left, I noticed Bella Swan was still human. That's illegal, right?
ARO: I bet Edward has strong feet.
DAKOTA FANNING: Um, boss? Did you hear me? Bella's still human.
ARO: Huh? Which one was Bella? Was she the little one with the nonsensical ability to see the future?
DAKOTA FANNING: No. The other one. The one who is a human.
ARO: Eh? Oh, right.
DAKOTA FANNING: So I should go back and kill her and Edward, right? They broke the rules.
ARO: Kill them? Heavens no. We should send them a gift basket. That will show them not to mess with the Volturi. And make sure the basket has those Pepperidge Farm cookies. Not the Milanos. Those suck. Give them the kind with the jam in the middle. Those things are epic. I should make a mix CD for Edward, too. He probably enjoys Modest Mouse, right?
DAKOTA FANNING: Aren't you mad that Edward defied your order?
ARO: Would it be weird if I asked Edward to be my Facebook friend? Should I just wait for him to ask me? Should I ask him? I should ask him…
DAKOTA FANNING: I'm precocious.
Non-assy Blogging Twilight posts are collected here. Enjoy, Knick Knacks!