How to Become a Werewolf

Sparkler LadyLeafdawn has done intensive research on the subject of becoming a werewolf, and we're pretty keen to try out some of these methods. Fortunately, we just happen to live near a giant, creepy marshland chock-full of werewolf footprints. JACKPOT.— The SparkNotes Editors

Inspired by Dan Bergstein's quest to undergo a werewolf transformation, I took it upon myself to research possible ways to become a werewolf (aside from calf muscle flexing). After borrowing a nifty book from a friend, watching the Underworld marathon on TBS twice in a row, and staying up all night searching for obscurities on the internet, I have come to a few conclusions. I will pass this knowledge on to you under one condition:

If you become a werewolf before me, I expect you to look me up and turn me as soon as physically possible. And it wouldn't hurt if you brought me some thank-you cupcakes, either.

The Traditional Method: Track down an actual werewolf and get bitten. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Heck, if you knew the location of a werewolf, you wouldn’t be sitting here reading this thing. You’d be out in the woods, howling at the moon and hunting deer (and the occasional human) with the rest of your packmates.

Safety precautions: Make sure that the werewolf doesn’t kill you, as this method only works if you survive the biting/mauling. To be perfectly safe, tranquilize the wolf immediately after it first bites you.

The Climate-Dependent Method: Drink water out of the footprint of a werewolf. It's ideal if you live next to a mysterious bog or creepy marsh. (If you live close enough to a werewolf that you are able to find his/her footprints, what madness has kept you from taking advantage of this situation already?)

Safety precautions: Remember, you have to drink the water directly out of the footprint. Scooping it up in a traveler’s mug and sanitizing it using your water filter won’t work, and will only give you salmonella or some other disease from the mud particles in your gut.

The Brit Lit Method: The Mark of the Beast, by Rudyard Kipling, is about a few unlucky British officers living in India during the time of British Imperialism. They all get drunk on New Year’s Eve, and one of them disrespects the epic monkey god, Hanuman, and pisses off a leper (who apparently likes to give giant bear hugs). This somehow turns him (the disrespectful guy, not the leper) into a werewolf. It’s only fiction (so they say) but most fictional stories are based on fact (for example, Harry Potter is obviously based on an entirely true story).

Safety precautions: This one is slightly tricky because there's no guarantee that you'll become a werewolf. You could just sprout another eye, or get incredibly itchy all the time, or be plagued by nightmares in which you are trapped in Han Solo's carbonite as a  team of ninjas prepares to wipe SparkLife from the face of the earth.

The Biker Gang Method: Some of the originators of werewolf mythology were the Viking berserkers, who would dress up in the skins of wolves and bears and go absolutely crazy during battles. Later, lycanthropes wore enchanted belts made out of wolf leather whenever they wished to transform. Translated into modern terms, this seems to suggest wearing leather whenever possible, just in case you come across a witch who kind enough to enchant it for you. Of course, you might look slightly out of place rockin' a leather vest and pants 24/7—unless you join a biker gang. So dust off your Harley and start vroomin'.

Safety precautions: Unless faux leather also does the trick, this isn’t a good option for any of you PETA fans out there, but that’s not really a safety precaution as much as it is a complication. Other than that, this is probably the safest method, as long as you don’t mind a little chafing during the summer time.

The Birth Method: It is said that the seventh son of the seventh son is a werewolf. Or, if you're a girl, a witch. This isn't to say that girls should turn themselves into Octo-moms to help out their future grandchildren, but one has to wonder if adoption works similarly. Would the seventh adopted son of the seventh adopted son suddenly gain the ability to transform into a wolf? Would he be considered seventh if he was the youngest of the seven, or the seventh that was adopted? Has anyone ever tried this before? Answer: No. Obviously.

Safety precautions: Only try this if you are sure you can handle a pack of werewolf kids. After all, how will you be able to stop your kid from turning your other kids?

Another tip: Hire a babysitter. Preferably a ex-Navy Seal who can keep the kids in line and has access to an impenetrable Haz-Mat suit.

Good luck, pack-mates. And remember the old werewolf proverb:

AAAAAHHHHHHHH-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Any other suggestions on how to become a werewolf?

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