Excitement is everywhere as the school year winds down. What will May bring? Will you jump-start a summer fling? Will you complain that your school is too warm? How will people react to your new walking stride? The answers, and our accurate predictions, await.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Use a hat for something other than fashion, and nine hours later, you will be richly rewarded. Gong music will guide you to love. When you sleep tonight, be aware that one of your neighbors is outside doing something that isn’t exactly illegal, but is definitely impolite. Don’t look directly at the sun. Don’t look directly at the ground, either. Your lips will feel itchy by the time you finish this sentence. Once a day, snap your fingers, or better yet, your toes. Your lucky number this month is 9. Your lucky bird this month is the Osprey.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Use mugs to eat most of your meals. You will shake hands with an undercover spy or cyborg, but won’t know it. Hold an ice cube in your hand for 20 seconds, and the first image that pops into your head will symbolize your future occupation. Stay away from ropes. Stay near chains. You will have amazing luck this month if you look at your desk and spot 10 things that begin with the letter R. Love dwells near the bus stop. Evil dwells near the bakery. In the next 20 seconds, you will hear a whisper. Shh. Listen. Oh my gosh! Did you hear that! That’s so creepy!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Touch something purple right…NOW! You are related to a major celebrity, but you don’t know which one. And you never will. Sorry, that wasn’t very nice of us, because now you’re going to spend so much time trying to figure out which celebrity you’re related to. Place a 20 dollar bill under your pillow tonight, and you will have a vivid, accurate dream of your future. Place 10 bucks under your pillow and you will dream of mouthless clowns. Your true love has red hair and freckles in the shape of Canada on his/her arm. Don’t trust anyone selling scissors.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Use your left foot more than your right foot and this month will be spectacular. Anyone with the hiccups is good luck. So if you see someone with the hiccups, stand near her, and do not give her a glass of water, because once the hiccups cease, the good luck ends. Any barcode that ends in 9 or 7 is pure evil. Barcodes that end in 6 or 2 will help you find romance. Barcodes that end in 1 or 8 will make you think about zebras. Don’t think of zebras this month or else you will get a stomachache.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you see a Sagittarius, give him a hug. He’ll need it this month. Poor, poor Sagittarius. Anyway, your month is going to be pretty cool. You’ll have a lot of fun, especially if you eat something red every day. You won’t find true love—that happens in exactly three years—but you will find a fleeting romance with someone who has a tattoo. One of the walls of your room hides a secret. If you pass a fountain, toss a penny in to make a wish and it will come true. Toss a spider in, and the other spiders won’t mess with you anymore, because they'll know you mean business. Don't let your head touch the carpet, or bad things will happen.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
There’s something wrong with the shirt you're wearing. Your eyes will look amazing this month. Make sure everyone sees their beauty by constantly pointing both fingers at your eyes as you walk around. Anyone with a double-L in her name is out to get you. Stay on your toes. We meant that last sentence literally, as you will need to be slightly taller this month if you want to see something cool. Something you thought was a tree isn’t a tree at all. You will take two paper plates by accident when you only meant to take one. Be cool. Don’t freak out. Take a deep breath, and when no one is looking, burn the second plate, thus destroying the evidence.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Animals without teeth will be handy this month (e.g. birds, old monkeys, fish). You’ll fall in love if you use a hatch instead of a door to enter a building or home. Jealousy will be a major theme this month. Pudding will also be a major theme. Ride a bike for good luck. Ride an eel for even better luck, and possible news coverage about how you found such a large eel. Start calling cars and busses “Vroom Vroomies.” It won’t change your month, but it sounds funny, and it’s fun to say. Saying “boom boom kaboom” will bring about great anger, despite being fun to say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ice cream sandwiches will solve every problem you have this month, including the bank robbery that will occur on May 28th. You will find fortune and love on the International Space Station, so you only have one month to become an astronaut…and be assigned a mission to the International Space Station. Stop reading this. You need to work on your math skills if you want to become an astronaut in a few weeks! We’re not kidding! Eat more peaches, but stay away from pears, because pears are the unluckiest fruit of them all. Turn on the radio in exactly ten seconds, and you will hear a coded message meant just for you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oh boy. You’re in for it this month. You might be better off locking the door and staying inside. If you use too many verbs this month, your heart will be broken. But if you don’t use enough verbs, your eyes will fall out of your head. If you eat any brown food, you will lose a large sum of money by the end of the month. Someone named after a Beatle will hurt your shins. A smelly thing will fall on your head in two weeks. And your knees will fail you in six days. On the bright side, next month will be the most amazing month of your life, filled with joy, love, money, and magic. So get through May, because June is going to be epic.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Stick your tongue out until it’s dry. Now put it back in your mouth. Doesn’t that feel weird? It also brings bad luck, so you probably shouldn’t have done that. Tomorrow, someone wearing the exact opposite color you’re wearing will develop a crush on you. You won’t need gloves at all this month, unless you’re a dentist. Help an injured turtle and everything in your life will work out splendidly, unless you’re a dentist. Watch out for motorcycles driven by men with ponytails. In fact, stay away from all men with ponytails, even if you’re a dentist. There’s something living in your mailbox. This horoscope wasn’t that great, but hey, at least you’re not a Sagittarius.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
A generous Gemini has placed $20 under his pillow for you to take and use as you wish. A very creepy and disturbed Gemini has left 10 bucks beneath her pillow for you to take. Don’t play with your food. Talk to it instead. When you lose your shoes later this month, don’t look under the couch. They’re not there. We know where they are, but if we tell you, then you will never learn a valuable lesson. Touch the ankle of someone you have a crush on, and he will fall madly in love with you. Once you tire of his love, touch his pinky toe, and he will lose interest in you forever…until you touch his ankle again.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
Big news will be announced tomorrow…in a secret code. You must break the code to learn the big important news. Hint: The word “shoe” is code for “bean bag chair.” Don’t worry about what you look like in a swimsuit. You look great. Instead, worry about what you look like in a Cat in the Hat hat. It’s not as funny as you think. The number of carrots you consume by the end of the month must equal the number of raisins you’ve eaten, or else! You will find money, and it will be wet. Do not ask why it’s wet, because the answer isn’t pretty. Think about boomerangs once an hour and great fortune will find you. But do not think about boomerangs more than once an hour.
How's your month going so far?
Related post: April Horoscopes
Topics: Life
Tags: horoscopes
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