My Not-Great First Date

This ed just saw a current pic of the guy she went on her first-ever date with. He is bald. He wears wife beaters. He has 603 tattoos, and a toddler, and facial hair growing all the way down to his fingertips. We feel you, jgrudzy. —SparkNotes editors

I recently went on my first date. Ever. I expected it to be exciting, or nerve-wracking, or, if nothing else, completely awful.

But it wasn't. Afterward, I just felt sort of... blah and empty. But the date wasn't a total loss, because now I can tell you about the things that can, and very likely will (sorry), go wrong on your first date:

• Your date will be late. S/he will explain her/his tardiness with an excuse that will sound ridiculous and unbelievable to you, probably just because you're paranoid. The minor snafu will make you both upset, and start the evening off on the wrong foot.

• Your date will be extremely nervous. S/he will stutter through every sentence and fall silent in the most inopportune times. The only time your date will be a motormouth is during the movie—when you wish s/he would shut up. S/he will try to hold your hand, but be so sweaty that your hand slips right out, leaving you to wipe the slime off on your favorite pair of jeans.

• Your date will do something totally sweet, but totally annoying. S/he will try to open doors for you, or get your drink refilled while you are in the bathroom, or buy you a candy bar. Unfortunately, you like opening your own doors, you were drinking regular instead of Diet Coke, and you're allergic to peanuts. But you can't get mad, because that would ruin the date. Instead, you get annoyed and then feel guilty, because you know your date was only trying to be nice.

• Your date will have some obnoxious habit. Maybe s/he pronounces some word wrong, or maybe your date blinks too much. When you first notice it, it will be funny. It will amuse you, and probably make you laugh at the wrong time. But then, your date will keep doing it. Over and over and over again, until you that little habit is taking up all of your brain space, and your date wonders why you flinch every time s/he say the word "egg."

• Your date will make you physically uncomfortable by accident. Your date may try to hold your hand. But he will be too tall, and you will have to lift your arm up in an extremely tiring way even to reach his sweaty paw. Then, at the movie, he will put his arm around you, and the armrest between your seats will dig into your side. But you won't move because you don't want to ruin your date, and eventually your arm will go numb and fall off.

• Your date will be way, WAY too serious. She will keep making absurd, awkward comments about how the two of you are soulmates, how when you are in college you will visit each other every weekend, and how you are going to name your first child "Annie” because she's always thought it's the prettiest name. You will have no idea how to respond to this, leaving your date to fill the gap in conversation with your wedding plans.

• Your date will depart with some totally ambiguous comment. S/he'll say “I've never been on a date like this before,” or, “Maybe I'll call you tomorrow.” For the rest of the night, you'll wonder whether this means this is the worst date he's ever been on, or decide that "maybe" usually means "no." You'll be so stressed over this that you will forget you didn't even have a good time on your date.

Don't worry. I hear it gets better on the second date.

What was your first date like/what do you expect it to be like?

Related Post: 7 Things Guys Don't Want to Hear on a First Date

Wanna write for SparkLife? Send your submission and nickname to contribute@sparknotes.com for consideration.