How To Play Off Embarrassing Situations

Sparkler cici_eZ must have seen us weeping on the playground yesterday after our totally humiliating loss at the Come-back Contest (those 4th graders have some really snappy insults). After reading her advice, we'll never again lose a battle of wits to a 9-year-old.—the SparkNotes Editors

Have you ever wanted to be one of those people who seem to have an endless supply of epic comebacks/an uncanny ability to remain unfazed at all times? Say goodbye to  I’LL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN moments with this handy-dandy guide—and never feel the need to Google “awesome comebacks” again!

Situation: You have just been completely owned by your enemy in front of OMG EVERYONE.
You usually...Search for support (sorry, pal, you’re on your own), hyperventilate, and sweat while your brain goes into overdrive. You end up sputtering a botched version of some lame comeback (anything beginning with “yo momma...” and ending with “your face” is probably a no) and digging yourself deeper into the dreaded abyss of UNCOOLNESS.
You gotta...TAKE A BREATH, FOR GOSH SAKES. Take a few seconds to compose yourself, and don’t let anyone see that you’re rattled. Remember, sarcasm is your friend, so flash your best patronizing grin and give a sweetly scoffing laugh for effect. If dismissing the bully with a simple “Riiiight....whatever” is not an option, muster up your best condescending voice and purr “Oh, that was cute.  Real smart. Are you finished? Great, ‘cause I have more important things to do than listen to your attempt to be funny.”
NOTE: Short and sweet is key. Drawn-out, wheezy retorts like, “Yeah, well, at least I don’t have a face. A face like your face, I mean. Because I have a face. But your face is stupid. Did your mom give you that stupid face?” won’t win you any points. If all else fails, laugh it off and act like your insides aren’t melting with embarrassment. And avoid entering the realm of the "just plain mean." They’re the jerks, not you.

Situation: You’re about to stun the world with your soccer skills in gym class—but instead you attempt to kick a motionless ball, miss spectacularly,  and then fall flat on your face.
You usually...Play the blame game and scream “THAT DUMB BALL IS MESSED UP! THE GRASS/GYM FLOOR IS SLIPPERY! STOP SMILING JIMMY I KNOW WHAT YOU DID: YOU SET THE WHOLE THING UP! YOU ALL SET IT UP! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!” then explode into a hysterical rage when no one believes your obvious logic.
You gotta...Know when to admit defeat.  Sorry, but the truth is you failed badly, and it was pretty hilarious. So do the unthinkable and laugh at yourself. We’re not talking full-on hysteria, but an ironic victory tap dance or a good chuckle with the rest of the class while you dust yourself off does wonders. Add in a simple “Wow, that was pretty smooth” and show everyone that you are one chill kid. A few pats on the back, a day or two of “HEY, REMEMBER WHEN _____ TOTALLY FAILED DURING GYM CLASS?!” and soon all will be forgotten. If you laugh at yourself, everyone laughs with you. Enjoy being the funny kid once in a while.
NOTE: Don’t take the joking personally. If it gets out of hand, smile, raise your hands in mock surrender, and say something like “Yeah, yeah, you’ve all had your fun,” then change the subject. Before you know it, some other kid will have plowed face-first into the goal post, and no one will even remember your mishap.

CONCLUSION: In case you hadn’t noticed, the NUMBER ONE secret to coming out on top of a dignity-wrenching situation is to act like you don’t even care. I assure you, all those amazing unfazable people feel embarrassment just like the rest of us; they simply fake the part of the mature, confident student, causing everyone else to lose interest in whatever humiliating event has just occurred. So laugh it off and relax. Or revert back to the blame game, because screaming “YOU MOVED THAT BALL, JIMMY. YOU MOVED IT WHEN I WASN’T LOOKING. I SWEAR, JIMMY, I WILL DESTROY YOU FOR THIS” never really gets old.

What do you do when you're totally embarrassed?

Related Post: Humiliation 101: How to Embarrass Yourself Like a Champion