Okay, So You Failed A Test. Now What?

Posted April 28, 2010

Here's the scenario. You're sitting in class, as tests are being handed back. Something seems amiss, because the teacher is handling yours like it has cartoon stink lines coming from it. He plops the test unceremoniously on your desk, and there it is: a big gross F, right on the front.

You're hit with a wide range of emotions—shock, betrayal, dread, possibly hunger for some reason, then back to dread. But instead of wallowing in these emotions, like a pig in a wallow who has just failed some kind of pig test, it's up to you to do something constructive and take action. Of course, some actions are better than others.

1) Rationalize It Away
If your first thought upon receiving your F was "My word, that's a strange-looking A+," then rationalization is right up your alley, because you're just not "F" material. You're used to As, not Fs, and you'll instantly bounce to any of a thousand excuses:
- You know the material, but you overthought all your answers, because of your giant brain.
- There is so much political turmoil in the world today, and you were busy thinking about it all.
- Your friend's sister's cat is in the hospital.
- You had a headache, and also you slept on your shoulder funny, and also chemistry is stupid anyway.
Whatever your reason, you're just going to pretend this F never happened. In fact, F? What F?
Advisability: 3/5. It's good not to devolve into a sniffling, sobbing wreck, but it's also good to learn something from your mistakes, instead of clapping your hands over your ears and going "LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MISTAKES!"

2) Shamelessly Beg For A Do-Over
Though rarely found in the wild, make-up tests have been simulated by scientists in laboratories. They require a kindly teacher, the ability to cry on command, and an incredibly good excuse. For instance, "While I was taking the test, my arm fell off and flopped around on the floor" has a chance of working, if verifiably true. "I saw a funny-looking frog outside and got distracted" does not.
Advisability: 1/5. If you really deserve a make-up test, you've probably already been offered one. Otherwise, this is merely a chance to brush up on your begging skills.

3) Freak Out
This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of time. Everything is ruined, forever. Might as well just drop out and join the circus, where you will be the Test-Failing Boy. Marvel at his inhuman ability to fail any test! That's all he's good for anyway!
Advisability: 0/5. When you're a celebrated 20-something millionaire flying around in your solid gold blimp, you literally will not even remember this stupid F. Unless, of course, you spent a week unnecessarily freaking out about it.

4) Buckle Down And Destroy The Next Test
You're like a boxer coming back from a brief slouch. Sure, you lost one bout to James "Chemistry Test" Jameson, but in the next training montage, you're gonna hit the heavy bag (chemistry book), drag a pile of logs through the snow (???), and score a first-round knockout (A+) at Chemistry Test II: The Reckoning.
Advisability: 5/5. Getting so mad at your F that you beat it up with your fists (studiousness) is just about the best approach you can take. If it helps, tape your F to something that isn't very valuable and punch it for a while as the Rocky theme plays in the background.