Yearbook Superlatives: Losing to Someone Who Sucks

Speaking of yearbook superlatives...some of our very own Sparklers made it to the finals of the 2nd Annual SparkNotes Yearbook Awards. Show them some love! —SparkNotes editors

It’s the end of the school year, and after months and months of hard work and dedication, you're resting easy, secure in the knowledge that when the yearbook comes out, the words “Class Clown” will be printed below your hilarious senior picture. And then disaster strikes. The universe plays the ultimate prank on you, and the award for class clown is somehow given to that other kid. The kid who isn’t funny at all. The kid who thinks humor is simply quoting a movie or repeating what he heard on Jay Leno. Jay flipping Leno?!?! How could this happen?

If reading the paragraph above made you sweat, it means you’re afraid a yearbook superlative that should rightfully be awarded to you, will end up in the hands of a less deserving student. Sadly, we can’t put those fears to rest. We’re not on your yearbook staff. (If we were, the yearbook would rhyme, taste like grape, and glow in the dark.) But we can help you cope.

If you lose out on a yearbook award to someone unworthy, here are your options:

1. Don't give up
Fail every class and try winning the coveted title again next year. We don’t recommend this, but the option is always there. It’s just a matter of how much “Best Smile” or “Most Likely to Succeed” really means to you. And if nothing else, when you chose this option, you are pretty much guaranteed the award for “Most Yearbook Obsessive Person” and “Saddest Student of All Time.”

2. Move
Run away to the wilderness of Alaska and live with the caribou. Once settled in, lie and say that you were voted “Best Hair” of your class. This claim will be too difficult for the caribou to fact check. Besides, if a caribou does tell one of your friends back home what you said, no one will care because we’ll all be too freaked out by a caribou that has the ability to speak the Queen’s English.

3. Scheme
Become close with the person who won the superlative. After a few years, once you have become the best of friends, ask him to be the best man at your wedding. Name your first and second child after him. Grow old with him. And then, on his deathbed, slowly lean in and whisper, “It should have been me. It should have been me…” Then lick your finger and stick it in his ear. He won’t like it. All those years spent building trust has allowed you to get this close to your nemesis. You will only have one shot at this, so don’t screw up.

4. Take the high road
Congratulate the winner. People will respect you if you smile on the outside, even if you’re crying on the inside. (Inside crying can be accomplished through major invasive surgery that redirects your tear ducts into your bladder or out of your wrists like some sort of sad Spider-Man.)

5. Prove them wrong!
Don’t just stand there and cry. Get up. Get loud! What if someone told Benjamin Franklin that he wasn’t the Best Founding Father of his class? Do you think he would just take it? Do you think he would just give up trying to build a country or destroy kites? If you didn’t win “Cutest Couple,” you and your partner need to dedicate the rest of your lives to showing the entire world that no couple is cuter! Step one: Dress up as Raggedy Ann and Andy. Step two: Celebrate a 3-week anniversary. Step three: Repeat step one.

6. Chill
C’mon! It’s a yearbook, not Time Magazine. Stop caring about superlatives. Twenty years from now, no one will even remember what was in your yearbook, because we will be too busy hiding from the super-intelligent cat-snakes that will no doubt rule the surface of the earth. So relax, and remember, no matter what the yearbook says, we still think you’re 400 times better than Hailey, and 450 times better than Mike.

Whose tear ducts will your vote affect?

Related post: Dissecting the Yearbook Staff, Part 1