8 Remarks That Will Make Your Girlfriend Dump You
This post by jtjuvenile reminds us of the time our junior high boyfriend bodyslammed us into a locker. Nothing says "let's break up" like a purple bruise the size of an umbrella! —SparkNotes editors
It’s a fine and dandy day. The birds are tweeting. Your best bud is currently having an I-need-a-girlfriend OR date-to-the-school-dance heebie jeebies panic attack. You should be happy—you already have a date/ girlfriend. But you don’t want her. What do you do? You puked on her new dress, dropped a bullfrog *accidentally* on her leg, burped for a minute straight…and still she clings to you like a barnacle.
Well, here are 8 things you should say…if you desperately want to sever the strings of your relationship:
1. “You love attention.”
Of course your girlfriend loves attention! She's human, isn't she? Stating the obvious is a slap in the face. It’s like telling a girl her boobs are small or pointing out that she has a gigantic wart on her face. She already knows these things. Rubbing your sodium in her stinging wound is a surefire way to get in a fight.
2. “Your boobs feel different from other people’s.”
After giving her a hug, and subtly (or not so subtly) squeezing her mammary glands, make this remark if you want to a) remind your girlfriend that you've touched other girls' boobs in the past, or b) imply that there is a heavily padded bra on her lady lumps. Both a) and b) are relationship suicide.
3. “Hey, nice yellow dress. You look like Big Bird!”
This. Is. Not. A. Compliment. To fast-track your breakup, compare your girlfriend to an 8-foot-tall talking muppet who also happens to be everyone's least favorite Sesame Street character.
4. “Why do you take so long to get ready? What are you DOING in there?”
As you might already know, your girlfriend spends that much time yanking on her knotted-up hair, combing her curls, and putting on makeup for you. To induce a breakup, make her feel bad about taking care of her appearance in an attempt to impress you.
5. "I have to cancel our plans for tonight. Sophia's helping me study for algebra. I mean, you can come if you really want to."
Remember the way Harry mentioned to Cho that he was meeting up with Hermione, and then halfheartedly "invited" Cho to come along? That's a great way to make your girlfriend furious, especially if you mention how hot Sophia/Hermione is.
6. “Your mom is sooo hot.”
Your gorgeous girlfriend doesn't want to hear that you're crushing on her 45-year-old mother. Period.
7. “Hey, pooh bear/pumpkin/sugarplum/sweetheart."
Pooh bear: She doesn't want to be compared to a chubby teddy. Look at what happened to Warner Huntington III from Legally Blonde—he called his SO pooh bear, and wound up dumped and jobless.
Pumpkin: Makes her sound fat, round, and orange.
Sugarplum: It’s just one teensy weensy letter away from plump.
Sweetheart: Calling your girl the same name as the part of your anatomy that pumps hemoglobin-infiltrated cells all over your body is just sick. It’s equivalent to calling her your kidney.
...Kidding. Sweetheart is a decent name. Use it only if you want to continue your relationship.
8. "What's up, dude?"
If you want to inflame your girlfriend's rage, talk to her as if she's one of your guy friends.
Have you said any of these things? Has anyone said them to you?
Related post: Better Breakup Methods