Rage-Stoppers for Grammar Junkies

As unapologetic grammar junkies, your SparkNotes editors tend to get a serious case of the stabbies when we see people doing atrocious things to the English language—things like misplacing apostrophes, mixing up "there," "they're," and "their," and making unintentionally hilarious yet cringe-inducing remarks like, "This class sucks—literally!" When we see things like this, our faces get all hot, our breath comes a little quicker, and before we know it, we're right in the grips of heaving, screaming, smoke-out-earhole-blowing GRAMMAR RAGE.

Grammar Rage can strike at any time, but it's a particular risk on the internet, where people tend to abandon all semblance of human decency their hard-learned lessons from elementary-school English in favor of comments like, "LOL I definately would of pooed my pantzz!"

And while a good round of primal screaming can help us keep our tempers in check, we recently discovered that there's an even more effective way to calm the rage: imagination! Hooray! Allie Brosch over at Hyperbole and a Half shared her coping mechanism for the special kind of rage caused by people who pepper their comments with the word "alot" (as opposed to "a lot," which is the correct, non-stabbiness-inducing usage): She created the Alot, a mythical creature with big, buggy eyes that looks like a pile of hairy dirt. It's actually pretty cute.

And here at SparkNotes, inspired by Allie, we've come up with some extended ways of preventing yourself from going batshizz barking insane over some of the most commonly-found grammar mistakes on the internet.

The offense: Mix-ups between their, there, and they're.
Coping mechanism: Picture their, they're, and there as a trio of wily and uncontrolled ferrets running amok in a darkened room. This should awaken your sympathies, since it's hard enough to catch a ferret in the dark, let alone catch the correct ferret.

The offense: Misplaced apostrophes, particularly on public signage. (For example: "Students' must be on time for class.")
Coping mechanism: Imagine that the apostrophe is not actually an apostrophe, but an illustrated tear reflecting the sadness of the person whose lonely life consists of writing signs that nobody really reads.

The offense: Run-on sentences.
Coping mechanism: Pretend that the offending writer lives in a country where punctuation is rare and expensive, like fine wine, and that he is saving all his commas for a letter to his dying mother.

The offense: Using "loose" instead of "lose." (For example: "I always loose my textbook.")
Coping mechanism: "Loose," as a verb, literally means "to set free"—so we like to picture the unwitting grammar befouler setting down his textbook in an open field and watching as it flees into the forest. And then crying.

The offense: Confusing "imply" and "infer." (For example: "Your wife wasn't always the marrying type, ifyouknowwhatI'msaying." "What are you inferring?!")
Coping mechanism: Wrap your hands firmly around the neck of the offending party and shake him violently for several minutes while screaming, "No! You blithering idiot! I imply, you infer! I imply, you infer!!!... Er, okay, apparently there is no way to cope with this one. Also, you'd better call your lawyer.

Got a pet grammar peeve and a creative coping mechanism? Tell us in the comments!

Related post: Happy Grammar Day!