Blogging Eclipse: Part 22
Chapter Twenty-Two: Fire and Ice
Better Title: The Pleasure Tent
Whoa boy. Anyone else feeling warm? [Fans himself] This chapter is filled with sexual tension, and not the lousy "Edward Can't Sleep With Bella" kind, either. It's spilling over with Jacob-Tension, or Jension, as I like to call it. And it all takes place in the confines of a tiny, crowded tent, under a hot and sweaty sleeping bag. Light a candle and put on some Prince music; it's about to get a little Jexual up in here.
It's two in the morning on the eve of the big battle, and Bella is hiding inside a tent up on the mountains. Edward is by her side, and Jacob is just outside the tent keeping guard. But the storm has dropped the temperature to such a degree that Bella can't sleep. She lies awake, chattering her teeth in the freezing tent.
Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit could this have?
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella!
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed!
EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally screwed.
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them.
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself]
Ed mockingly suggests that Wolf Jacob fetch Bella a space heater. You can probably tell what's about to happen. Wolf Jacob transforms back into Half-Naked Human Jacob and offers to snuggle up with Bella in her seemingly useless sleeping bag.
At first Edward and Bella object, but Jacob knows this is the only way to keep Bella safe from hypothermia and frost bite. So, the shirtless Jacob slides into the sleeping bag with Bella, and holds her close to his warm, muscular body. Oh my.
He begins to run his hot hands all over her body. Oh my.
He even suggests Bella remove her clothing to help speed up the warming process. Oh my!
But she doesn't. Oh no.
Bella is still angry with Jacob for the bad kiss from a few chapters ago, and for his cocky attitude during their trip to the camp. She's in no mood to have his massive body rubbing up against her chilly frame. But she can't resist his warmth, and after a few moments, she finds herself holding him and rubbing her feet against his hot god-like legs. I mean "hot" as in temperature, not attractiveness. I'm straight. And when I call his legs god-like it's not because I admire them, it's because that's what guys do. Like talking about sports and trucks, we often compare each others' body parts to gods.
All the while, Edward must watch. And I'm smiling. And now I'm laughing. It's fun to see Edward be so utterly useless and pitiful as he watches his enemy cuddle his girlfriend like a snake cuddling its prey.
Plus, Edward is forced to read Jacob's mind during this sweaty, sexy grope-a-thon, so he knows all of Jake's wild thoughts and fantasies regarding Belly. You almost feel bad for Edward. But then you remember that he's the idiot who thought the best place to hide wouldn't be inside a nice hotel, but up on a mountain. So deal with it, Lullaby Lad. You've made your bed, now watch Bella and Jacob lie in it.
Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves?
Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one:
1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf?
2. Why not?
4. What's it like being amazing?
5. Can you time travel?
6. Could you eat a dinosaur?
7. Are you sure you can't time travel?
8. Do you have a best friend?
9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs?
10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform?
11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind.
12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree?
13. Where does your tail go?
14. Ke$ha sucks, right?
15. What song should we sing at karaoke night?
But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh*
What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair.
So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf. She'd just be a pile of fur, like Robin Williams but funnier. (Zing!)
But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf questionnaire.
Anyway, Jacob says he's growing his hair out because he thought Bella liked it that way. Bella can finally rest easy, now that she knows all the secrets about wolf hair. As she's about to doze off, she hears Edward and Jacob chit-chatting. She keeps her eyes closed, but listens in to their conversation.
Because Edward can read Jacob's mind, Jake thinks it's only fair that Edward answer a few questions. Eddie agrees, and for the rest of the chapter these two monsters have a very civilized conversation about love, because that's what two monsters do when they're together. (Sarcasm hand is raised)
This is ridiculous. We all know that Stephenie Meyer has a tin ear for dialogue, so I won't attack her yet again for the awkward words these two guys say to each other. But this entire scene is as forced and unnatural as a llama in a evening gown.
This would never happen. Jacob would never have a heart-to-heart with Edward. And Edward would never be so forthcoming about his deepest desires to the one man he thinks has the potential to steal Bella away from him. I'm surprised the conversation didn't include:
EDWARD: My heart belongs to Bella, and yet I'm jealous of your friendship with her. By the way, my pin number is 50202, and my email password is Lullaby-Guy18.
And if you're going to tell your sworn enemy how much you love Bella, you probably shouldn't do it while your sworn enemy is dry-humping the love of your life. How can anyone read this section and keep a straight face?
I'm tempted to march down to the movie theater and buy an advance ticket to Eclipse just so I can see this scene on the big screen. And then I want to buy the DVD just to watch the bonus feature "Love Tent: Making the Most Awkward Scene In Cinema History," which will no doubt include this bit of behind-the-scenes footage:
ROBERT PATTINSON: Sorry mate, but it says in the script that I'm going to tell Jacob how much I love Bella.
PATTINSON: But Jacob is grinding on Bella, right?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, to keep her warm.
PATTINSON: It don't make no sense, mate.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Fidgets]
TAYLOR LAUTNER: Why would Jacob ask Edward about love at all? Jacob doesn't care about Edward. He just wants Bella. These two shouldn't be having any sort of conversation. It's weird. Guys don't talk like this.
DIRECTOR: But in the book…
PATTINSON: Sharkboy is right. This scene is bollocks.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Twitches]
DIRECTOR: But the audience wants to see it. It's provocative, and filled with jension!
PATTINSON: What the bloody 'ell is "jension"?
DIRECTOR: "Jacob Tension." I read it on this amazing blog written by the handsome wordsmith Daniel Adam Bergstein.
PATTINSON: Oh right. Danny B. I know him. He is really handsome. Strong too.
DIRECTOR: He has great taste in music, and his wrists are adequate.
LAUTNER: I wish I were him.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Touches her hair in spastic manner]
The conversation in the book is rambling, and doesn't tell us anything new. But I'll paraphrase the information in traditional magazine interview format, with Jacob's questions in bold.
JACOB: Are you jealous of me?
EDWARD: Yep. Bella enjoys spending time with you. It makes me sad.
Does it bug you that you can't read Bella's mind?
No. Bella would be sad if I could read her mind. I don't like Bella when she's sad.
Why did you suddenly become a nice guy and allow Bella to visit La Push?
Because she was sad.
If Bella changed her mind and picked me over you, would you kill me?
No. That would make her sad.
What did it feel like when you left her during the last book?
"That's very difficult for me to talk about. " <----(Direct quote from the book)
Tell me, Lord of the Lullabies.
It made me feel sad.
What did it feel like when you thought Bella killed herself?
"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words." <--- (Direct quote from the book)
Tell me, dummy.
It made me feel double sad.
How will I feel when Bella becomes a vampire?
You will feel double sad.
Do you want Bella to become a vampire?
It's my only option if I wish to remain un-sad. (Edward then goes on and on about how much he loves Bella.)
It might be better if Bella loved me instead of you. Do you understand that?
Yes. And it makes me sad.
Well, I can see that you love Bella a lot. Thank you for your time.
Are you sad? Don't be sad.
And that's pretty much it. During the Q&A, Seth the werewolf arrives, and hangs out in the woods near the tent keeping guard. I'm just mentioning this so in the next blog, when I start writing about how awesome Wolf Seth is, you're not shouting, "Yo, Dan Booger-stein, who the hell is Seth and when did he arrive to the camp site?!"
After the man-to-man talk, Edwards says he and Jacob could become friends if they weren't natural enemies. (And again, I don’t know why the good vampires hate the werewolves.) Jacob just laughs it off and calls Edward a disgusting vampire. Jacob rules. Then Edward wants to ask Jacob a question. He's curious why Bella mentioned "the third wife" in her sleep the other night.
Isn't The Third Wife a drama on CBS about a middle-aged divorced woman trying to make it in this crazy world? No? Oh…now I remember. It's that clichéd story about a woman who sacrificed herself to save the one she loved.
Edward reads Jacob's mind to learn the story and both of them realize Bella has plans to join tomorrow's battle, even if it means she'll get hurt or double sad. So they'll need to stop her.
The two monsters bicker a bit. Jacob eggs Edward on by asking him to leave the tent to give Jacob and Bella some alone time. Edward asks if Jacob wants to fight and Jake, who is still hugging Bella so tightly it's almost a "special hug," responds with, "I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind."
Gotta love Jacob.
Glowers: 0 (Book total 14)
Murmurs: 5 (Book total 68)
After the night of warmth spent with Jacob, Bella seems a bit more enthused by his presence.
EDWARD: So do you want to catch a movie today?
BELLA: Sure. Can I bring Jacob?
EDWARD: Um…I guess. Why?
BELLA: It might be cold in the movie theater. You don't want me to get frostbite, do you?
EDWARD: No. That makes sense. I'll call Jacob and tell him to meet us at the theater.
BELLA: I better change into my underpants.
BELLA: Jacob says it's easier to warm me up if I'm not wearing clothes. I'm only doing it to stay warm, silly.
EDWARD: All right. I suppose that's OK.
THE NEXT DAY
EDWARD: Would you like to go for a hike today?
BELLA: Sure. Can I bring Jacob?
EDWARD: What for? It's a balmy 73 degrees outside. You don't need his man-warmth.
BELLA: I know that. But I need him to kiss me while we hike.
BELLA: Because Jacob said that bees could fly into my mouth and sting my intestines unless he protects me by sealing up my mouth with an open-mouth kiss.
EDWARD: But I could kiss you instead.
BELLA: No. The kiss needs to be air tight, and sealed with saliva. You don't have saliva, because you're a vampire.
BELLA: We could go without him, if you don't mind bees stinging my intestines. It's up to you.
EDWARD: No, we better call Jacob.
BELLA: I'll change into my underpants…
BELLA: It's a bee thing. You wouldn't understand.