Literary Throw-Down

How have we not thought of this before? What were SmackDowns invented for if not measuring the relative scrappiness of our favorite literary characters? Two characters, one steel cage, no mercy. If these characters went head to head, who would be the last man (woman or wood sprite) standing? SparkLife places its bets with our bookie, Merv:

Lady Macbeth vs. Medea

Our bet: Murderous accomplice Lady Macbeth starts out strong but gets distracted by a spot on her costume; while she's muttering something about bleach, infanticide-loving Medea goes in for the win. Winner: Medea.

Arthur Dimmesdale vs. Fitzwilliam Darcy

Our bet: The match devolves into a slapping fight (Kids: do not try this at home) until Dimmesdale starts complaining of chest pains, upon which Darcy calls him a "blooming nancy" and the ref has to separate them. Winner: Darcy.

Jay Gatsby vs. Holden Caulfield

Our bet: Holden starts out by calling Gatsby a "hypocrite" and a "phony" and questioning his prowess with women. Gatsby ignores him at first, but eventually gets so annoyed he ties Holden up with a pink polka-dotted silk scarf and slaps him with a leather glove until he cries "uncle." Winner: Gatsby.

Jane Eyre vs. Elizabeth Bennet

Our bet: This match starts out clean but quickly becomes a game of emotional manipulation and psychological subterfuge. Jane tells Elizabeth she likes her dress, then follows with "for a nightgown!" Elizabeth counters by asking how Jane's parents are doing ("Oops!"). Elizabeth pulls Jane's hair, which allows Jane to maneuver into her patented Brontë Bruiser move, pinning Lizzy. Winner: Jane.

Ariel vs. Puck

Our bet: Lovers, not fighters, Ariel and Puck decide to settle their cage match with a game of rock-paper-scissors. Puck beats Ariel's scissors with a rock. Ariel beats Puck's paper with scissors. Rather than playing a third round, they break out in a flute jam. Winner: Us.

What literary characters would you like to see thrown down? Let us know, and we'll place our bets in future posts.

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