LadyGooGoo's nickname, sarcasm, and amazing advice are relevant beyond your teen years. Seriously, if our friends don't stop with the mushy status updates, we're getting off Facebook. Really. We will this time. —SparkNotes editors
Is the “delete” or “backspace” button the most common button you press? Are your eyebrows knit together and your teeth clenched in concentration every time you sign onto Facebook? Are you having trouble sleeping at night, afraid that maybe that ONE person who ALWAYS criticizes things might comment on your Facebook status, dooming you for life (or, at least, until a couple days later, when he’s moved on to a new target)?
If you said "yes" to these three questions (or two of them, or any of them, actually), then you are suffering a severe case of facebookstatuscommentingaphobia. Yes, it’s real. No, don’t look it up; it won’t do you any good.
The good news is, I come bearing advice! Writing a good Facebook status can be hard, trust me—that one time I came up with that really great status about the dog and the chimpanzee, nobody commented! But I'm here to tell you Sparklers how NOT to write a Facebook status:
1) Avoid anything majorly personal. It’s a status, not your diary, okay? If you need to vent, go to the Dollar Store and pick up a journal. Or three.
2) Don’t talk about how much you love your boyfriend/girlfriend. Just because you have one, does NOT make you cool. Sorry.
3) Try not to quote love songs. Nobody wants to log on to, “I miss you like an absent student / Astronauts love moons and I love you / My love for you burns like sizzling sausages.” Not attractive.
4) Don’t act "tough" on your status. Writing something like, “gonna go work out,” won't get you anywhere. Also, no “I punched a locker today. It’s dented,” or, “Beat up Rex today!” or even any, “lifting weights is fun! I lift 250 now. I am MANLY” is allowed. It’s not cool that you punch lockers; it’s scary. And Rex is your dog, dude. And—for real!— nobody cares how much you lift!
5) Don’t use more than two exclamation points after one sentence. “HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went in the pool today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!” is not very cool. We’re not in second grade anymore, hopefully.
6) Don’t tag a lot of people in your statuses. It’s okay to tag one, two, and sometimes even three people. But having 17 of your friends in one status is a bit overwhelming, not to mention annoying!
7) At least TRY to use correct grammar! Would YOU like to read “went 2 the mall today i ate ice cream 2 cuz i like eating eating is fun OMGOMGOMG i saw Bones tdy it wuz soo good did u no angelas real name isnt angela GASP OMG i rly like pie Michael Block went 2 c valentines day with me it was fun fun fun gng to cali tmrw i luv cali its so grate thr bai!”?
No, you wouldn’t.
8) Asking about homework? Not cool! If you need homework help, write on somebody’s wall, or message a group of people in your class. A status like “wuts the bio hw?” is pretty dumb.
9) Writing something really deep and philosophical can sometimes work—if your internet Valentine is Plato, or if Socrates and Aristotle are in your Top Friends on Facebook! Do NOT include “the General Will of the people is, according to Rousseau…” or, “______ is in my State of Nature! Don’t violate my Natural Rights!” That’s not cool. At all. It’s slightly sad.
10) Finally, don’t aim your status at someone if you’re not tagging them in it. Despite popular belief, people DO read other peoples’ statuses, and they might find it offensive if they don’t know it’s not aimed at them. “You’re stupid,” and “I hate people,” and any inside joke statuses (“the BANANA is IN THE BOWL! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH”) don’t work, nor do any statuses similar to, “I’m not a b*&!h, I just have low bulls#%t tolerance.” God knows why people post things like this. Scratch that; not even HE knows!
Related Post: A Short Guide to Flirting on Facebook Walls
Wanna write for SparkLife? Send your submission and nickname to email@example.com for consideration.