The Real-Life Questions You Need to Ask Your College Tour Guides
Visiting college campuses becomes the hobby of many students eager to get away from the iron grips of their strict moms and strong fathers. It’s so important to find out about the schools so you can make an educated decision about where you’re going to spend the prime of your life learning, living, and not doing any of your assigned reading.
We came across this article,* which lists lots of things you should ask your tour guide—lots, but not all. [Sidebar: Against the advice of the article, we don’t think you should be afraid to ask the tour guide everything you’re wondering. Their personal life should not be off limits, so go ahead and ask your female guide what’s up with her clownish makeup job—especially if the other prospective students will think laugh and think you’re funny and want to dorm with you.] Sure, you need to know the boring history of the campus, and find out what weird traditions the school has. But there are a lot of real-life question you might not think to ask, because you haven't yet been to college. That's why our (mostly) college-educated staff has drawn up a list of questions to ask when touring prospective schools:
* Is there ice cream in the cafeterias?
* When my boyfriend from home comes to visit, can I charge all his meals to my campus card? He’s poor but really cute with great arms, so I want to make sure my parents pay for everything.
* Do the dorms have a secret fridge where I can hide all my good snacks from my roommate?
* Will my roommate think it’s weird if I bring my Harry Potter posters?
* Does the school segregate people by their levels of coolness? Because I definitely don’t want to end up living next to a group of aspiring Phi Beta Alpha Kappa Kappa Gamma Theta chicks.
* What kind of punishment might there be for a hypothetical streaking that may or may not occur during the homecoming football game? Would the penalty involve immediate suspension or jail time? If jail is involved, is it the nice kind, like Martha Stewart stayed in?
* How do most roommate feel about a pants-free dorm?
* Are RAs as attractive in real life as they are on WB shows? Do all the students look 30-ish and pimple-free, like they do in the movies?
* What do you when a poop clogs the communal bathroom?
* Will my roommate be able to smell a fart from the other side of the dorm room? Speaking of which, which places on campus should I avoid eating at if I don’t want fart all over the place? (If you are attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison, the answer is the Fan Dim Chinese food place in the Union. Your stomach will turn into a fart factory, especially after the Crab Rangoon.)
* How easy is it to identify the people who wear the mascot costumes at the games? My goal as a freshman is to date all of them and I want to get started with my mission right away. Is there a Facebook Group for that?
* Where on campus is there to go for a good cry when you miss your best friend? I want to go somewhere where I get lots of attention.
* What student groups on campus give away the most free food at their beginning-of-the year meetings?
* Which professor has been a contest on The Amazing Race or has worked on a movie with some celebs and can give me the dish?
* At which coffee shop do all the hipsters congregate? I would like to attend open mics and find a smart guy with glasses to do all my homework.
* Are there scholarships for people who watch tons of reality television? Is there a minor in that?
* What bathrooms on campus are never occupied? Which ones do the homeless townies hang out in?
* Which sub places give away all their unused baked bread when they close? I want to save the money my parents send for food and use it on more important things, like new clothes or a skateboard for looking cool as I sit next to it in the quad.
* Is Old Navy still acceptable in college?
* Do college students kiss other students even if they have braces? I am worried about my romantic life. (The answer will be that you’ll find someone desperate enough—sorry, we mean someone who is not totally superficial.)
* Where can I do my work-study program it? I’m looking for an office where I sit, do my homework, and don't interact with human beings. Also preferably a place where I can floss and watch movies.
* When I get sick, can the campus hospital come to me?
What questions do you have about college?
Related post: A Much-Too-Honest College Tour