A Homebound Spring Breaker's Guide: What to Eat

The Perks of Being Slow

By Contributor

April 7, 2010

We think TheBalticSea should run... for class clown. —SparkNotes editors

Around the time I accidentally signed up for my school's cross country team (I thought it was a sign-in sheet for the informational meeting, not a Til-Death-Do-Us-Part contract), I noticed a lot of people have an oddly glamorous view of the sport. That is, people seem to think that uber-long distance runners are like superpowered cheetah-human-gods, running swiftly forever, with grace.

News flash, folks: most of us are darn slow. Then again, as a member of the Back of the Pack, I may have a slightly biased view. Not everyone is outstripped by passing bumblebees like me. Some runners actually are amazing cheetah-gods, but they're missing all the cool stuff. That's right; the most interesting stuff happens at the back of the race. Here are just a few reasons why it's good to be slow:

Things You See at the Front of the Pack:

1. People Throwing Up
Not cool, but this is a sad reality of cross country. Would you rather be at the back or in the projectile vomit danger zone?

2. People Tripping/Shoving Other People
At the championship race, my team was woefully short on ambulatory runners, so I filled in on varsity. I was a little alarmed when, a few seconds before the race started, the official gave us an ominous warning: "No tripping or shoving, ladies."

I'm pretty sure that savagely attacking competitors disqualifies you as a lady. By the way, have you seen the shoes runners wear? They're basically cleats. If you trip and then get crushed by the oncoming stampede, your skin ends up looking like the perforated leather on bicycle handles. Band-Aids, anyone?

3. People Getting Lost
"So you do three large loops, with a small loop after each one, except for the third time, when you only do half a small loop and then exit by the blue ribbons and do a lap around the baseball field and two laps around the track. Got that?"

"...Uhh no."

"Okay, on your mark. Get set." BOOM.

Running on an unfamiliar course? Just follow the people in front of you. Oh, RIGHT! You are the front. Well, just ask the spectators from other teams which way to go. It's not likely that you'll be too out of breath, or that the other team's fans will "accidentally" send you down the 10-mile path.

(Awesome) Things You See at the Back of the Pack:

1. People Walking
Okay, not the most exciting, but it makes you feel better when you pass them! Take THAT, bumblebees!

2. People Singing/Talking
You have to pass the time somehow. Why not pass the time with a spirited round of 2,300 bottles of beer on the wall? Who wants to do a duet from Phantom of the Opera? Any takers? No one...?

3. People Playing Catch
Technically, you're not allowed to carry anything with you or wear hairbands on your wrist (never understood that rule. Is it to ward off the rumored Scrunchies of Mass Destruction?), but that doesn't stop people from picking stuff up along the way and playing a modified version of... soccer? Football? Something like that anyway.

4. Banana Suits
If you can't wear hairbands... why can you wear banana suits? Sure, this is not the most aerodynamic wardrobe option, but since it wasn't explicitly banned in the rule book...

5. "FOR NARNIA!" "FOR SPARTA!"
In case you didn't see the post on MLIA, at some lucky person's school, a very average gym class was turned around by an amazing sub who organized a mock battle of the mythical creatures/Spartans. I'm not saying you'll see Spartans at the back (duh, they'd be at the front), but you will see people imitating them, pretending to charge Spartan-style while their teammates play the Narnians.

6. The Macarena
Did you know it's possible to do the macarena and run a Cross Country race simultaneously? It may not be the strategy your coach advocates, but he can't see when you're in the woods, now can he? Mwahahaha! That's, right—watch me ballroom dance up that hill!

7. Happy People
Now that's a novel concept! But in all seriousness, if you're not going to get yourself a shiny medal, you might as well have fun being slow. See? Being slow IS better.

Long live the banana suits!

Are you slow?