How to Mess with a Music Snob

By Robert Isenberg

April 6, 2010

Let's be frank: Music snobs can be unbearable.

The tight pants. The hangdog look. The way they sigh—looking oh-so-bored—as they judge your every comment. "Oh, you like [Your Favorite Band Here]? I used to like them, back in 2004."

You may be tempted to use violence, but these guys aren't worth it. Let them eye roll all they want. The best revenge is making them feel out of the loop.

Here's how to do it, in 20 steps:

1. Meet a music snob. Listen to him drone on about that amazing concert he saw before [Band Name Here] became "too popular" and "sold out."
2. Nod and smile, looking completely disinterested.
3. When the snob bothers to ask what kind of music you're into, just say, "I'm really digging The Lead Crayons."
4. [Note: The Lead Crayons do not exist. They have never existed. The name was invented by three teenage guys in a Latin 1 class at Middlebury Union High School, circa 1993. It's just one of those word pairings that "would make a great band name."]
5. The music snob's interest will be piqued. "The Lead Crayons?"
6. You say: "You've heard of them, right?"
7. He says: "Are they local?"
8. Scoff. Recoil. Say: "Uh, no, they're not local." As if he's just suggested eating an aluminum can.
9. Ramble on about The Lead Crayons. "I mean, they were cool a few years ago, when they started out, but I'm kinda stoked about the new instrumentals. You know, the whole didjeridoo thing. Or that morin khuur solo they did in Berlin. Totally sweet."
10. The snob says: "Huh." [He won't reveal that he has literally no idea what you're talking about.]
11. "And then there was that self-produced album, the one they released on vinyl and you could only buy at select record stores. But I'm sure you picked one up, right?"
12. The snob mumbles something like, "Oh, yeah, totally..."
13. "I guess you could say they sold out by letting one of their songs end up on a movie soundtrack, but I really liked the movie. What's the title? I can never remember it..."
14. The music snob snaps his fingers, trying to "remember" the "title."
15. "I thought Zooey Deschanel was amazing in it. But I digress. The only problem with The Lead Crayons is that they keep refusing to open for Radiohead. Can you believe that? I mean, it's not like they couldn't use the cachet, right?"
16. The music snob actually smiles, knowingly, because he "heard" the same "industry gossip."
17. Say: "Well, good talking with you. I'd loan you their bootleg album, but it's pretty valuable, and, frankly, I don't know you that well. Have a good night!"
18. Leave. Talk to somebody else.
19. If the music snob tries to make eye contact, smile with glaring insincerity and look away.
20. Tell everybody you know that the music snob is a closet Billy Joel fan.