Guylight, and Other Books for Dudes

Smokey778 may be the Stephanie Meyer of dude romance novels. Seriously. You heard it here first. —SparkNotes editors

For the last several years, dudes have had to suffer the "Twilight Effect," or, as they call it, "I Must Be Such a Loser Because My Girlfriend Just Dumped Me For A Fictional Character" syndrome. The problem is that guys have no fictional girlfriend of their own to turn to when their real-life girlfriends pull out their fictional boyfriends. The romance novel genre for guys is woefully underdeveloped. Well, no more!

Guys, you’ve taken enough of this: It’s time someone got out there and put a stop to Twilight’s evils.

So join me in writing your own Twilight. Mine features a clumsy male hero who somehow lands the girl (just, you know, throw in something actually interesting so people will read it). You can copy the real Twilight almost word for word and as long as you make some cosmetic changes and call it a parody, no one will sue you. As Pride Prejudice and Zombies has shown, your parody doesn’t even have to be funny or insightful.

I’ll get things started with the basics of the first four books, but it’s up to you to do the rest.

Book 1: GuyLight
Belton is the clumsy jock of his class; Edalene is the most beautiful girl in the school. Belton thinks of Edalene as just a friend, but when he finds out that she plays Halo, pays for all her own stuff on dates, watches Punk’d, lends out money anytime, and has a car that travels through time, he starts to suspect there’s something odd about her.

Suddenly Belton puts the clues together and discovers Edalene’s terrible secret: she is a super spy who can’t go out in the sunlight and drinks blood! Follow Belton and Edalene’s budding relationship as they attempt to thwart some bad super spies' plans to rule the world. The book is full of violence, bloodbaths, and some important lessons about being true to yourself, much like Rocky IV.

Book 2: GuyLight 2: Revenge of the Undead
Back, bigger, and badder, GuyLight returns with more action, more intrigue, and more romantic subplots than ever before! When the shirtless, motorcycle-riding villain Don Hunkulous comes to town, Edalene must fend off his advances while planning a school dance and keeping an eye on a freshly-unearthed zombie girl making moves on Belton.

Soon Belton will be left on his own when Edalene gets called on a super spy mission to investigate a secret organization building a giant laser of mass destruction in Italy, the country of love.

With only three days left to stop the laser from destroying the world, will Edalene get back in time for the school dance?

Read GuyLight 2: Revenge of the Undead to find out.

Book 3: Eclipse
Still reeling from the giant laser destroying Antarctica and the parts of Canada no one likes, Edalene is in a very fragile mood when she returns home and is subsequently almost destroyed when she finds out that Belton and Zombie Girl are now a couple.

Meanwhile, Don Hunkulous sets in motion a plan so evil it can only be described in vague, non-descriptive terms. The super spies who drink blood and the zombies will have to team up to take him down. Amid all this, Belton will decide once and for all whether to be with his soulmate or the girl he hooked up with to make his soulmate jealous.

Book 4: The End of a Cash Cow
Back together again, Edalene and Belton finally get married, start a disturbing family, take down various villains and conquer some personal battles in the most unnecessarily long and convoluted book yet. Can the lovers ever overcome their two bland personalities to find true happiness? Includes controversial alternate ending where Belton accidentally gets impaled by a spooked unicorn herd.

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Excerpt from GuyLight:

The two lovers looked at each other, the air tense with bullets and unspoken words. Finally Belton could hold in his declaration in no more. “Edalene, my feelings for you have reached a fever pitch. I want what every high school guy dreams of: marriage.”

Edalene blinked slowly, not fully comprehending.”Whoa, don’t you think that’s a bit fast, Belton? We’re only on our second date.”

“Edalene, if the few girls I dated before you have taught me anything, it’s that true love knows no time or restraining orders.”

Like most other girls in her position would have been, Edalene was immediately swayed by the magic of these words.

“Really, Belton?”

“Certainly. I love you. I would do anything for you.”

“I love you, too. When you die, I’ll try as long as possible not to feed off your corpse.”

“Edalene!”

“Belton!”

Behind them a gas station exploded.
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Reviews

“Ohmigod!!! Ohmigod! This is the BEST book ever!! I want to marry Edalene and have babies with her and push the actress from the movie version in front of an oncoming taxi or make her uncomfortable enough that she feels she needs to hire professional bodyguards to protect her from me. I LOVE Edalene!!!!!!!! ”
-Brad, 13

“Who writes this s**t?”
-Stephen King

“Throw out "To Kill a Mockingbird"; here’s a book the kids will actually read.”
- Ms. Lawley, 7th grade teacher

So there you go; the secret to happiness is in your hands, guys. I expect someone to write book one of this series and publish it before the end of the year. Girls, you go out and write your own version of James Bond. It’s not that I think James Bond needs a gender reversal; it’s just that I would really like to read another novel in that series. Guys, good luck lowering the standards and happy writing!

What do you think? Does Twilight need a gender makeover? Is this the funniest post you've ever read?

Related post: Blogging Twilight

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