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April Horoscopes

April Horoscopes

By Dan_Bergstein

Spring is in the air, along with pollen and (probably) ghosts. Will the warmer weather heat up your love life? Will you make money managing a lavish lemonade stand? Will you wear shorts on a day when it’s really too cold for shorts? Read on to find out.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There is something wrong with your computer. It’s turning all the letter Zs into the letter Z. See what we mean?! We can’t even tell you which letter is doing it, because when we type that letter, you only see the letter Z. Weird. Your love life will blossom next weekend, so please, please, please don’t wear that ugly frumpy sweatshirt. You know the one. People will try to make you eat something strange. Don’t let them, unless it’s a frozen dessert. Beware of ceiling fans and vents. If you want to have an amazing month, write the following phrase in the comments section below: “Robin Hood is better than Batman.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
For an amazing month, write the following phrase in the comments section below: “No way! Batman is better, dude.” There is someone waiting for you, either outside, or in the kitchen. Let them wait. They are not your boss. Crackers will be important this month. Crayons (especially orange ones) will bring you great joy, followed by sudden and epic sadness. Don’t throw away anything that rhymes with “zipper.” This includes zippers. Someone in your English class needs to talk to you about a possible relationship. Someone in your science class needs to talk to you regarding a glass object. Stay out of France, and the trunk of blue cars.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The next person who coughs will lie to you by the end of the month. You will get $100 if you write a letter to your best friend and include the phrase, “Honk honk. Here come the ducks,” in a casual, natural manner. If it seems too forced, or if your friend suspects something fishy, it will not work. Try to keep at least one limb pointed directly South at all times. Anything to do with Goldilocks and/or the three bears will bring you nothing but trouble. Place a clean towel down before you sit on anything green or gray. You don’t want to know why. For an amazing month, write the following phrase in the comments section below: “Robin Hood doesn’t horde his money like greedy Bruce Wayne. Robin Hood wins!”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The library is where you will find true love. (Hint: It’s near the books about marine animals.) Wash your hands using perfect circular motions, or you will get a headache on April 8th, 11th, and 23rd. Brad knows what he did, and he isn’t sorry. Try to read at least two books that have more verbs in the title than nouns, and you will be rewarded with money and kisses from attractive people. Take off that thing. You look ridiculous. Never tap on a tinted window. Type the following phrase in the comments section, and you will have an amazing month: “I think Batman would beat the crap out of Robin Hood.” In exactly 2,339 seconds, you need to lean slightly to the right.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Bring an umbrella with you on April 10th. It’s not for the rain. Keep your distance from anyone with a V in their name. The word “glue” will be of the utmost importance. If you rub your eyes in the next sixty seconds, someone famous will die. Your soulmate is someone who is exactly seven months and three weeks older than you. Do not use the lower electrical outlet. Only use the top one! Type the following phrase in the comments section below and you will be rewarded: “Why is everyone talking about Batman and Robin Hood?” Eat more yellow things.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you don’t sing an entire song by the end of the day tomorrow, horrible things will happen to someone named J. Smith. From your front door, walk three paces forward, two paces to your left, and then two more paces forward. Dig. You will find something very interesting. When you hear someone mention a puppet, run. That person is your nemesis! You will fall in love with someone wearing red tomorrow. Remember these numbers: 3, 29, and 9.2. Forget these numbers: 7, 2, and 9.1. Wait two minutes before writing a comment below. For good luck, make sure your comment does not mention Batman or Robin Hood.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Flip through the phone book, and randomly point to a name. For the rest of your life, you must never interact with this person or business. Failure to do so will result in the end of the world. If you write “First!” in the comments below, you will never find true love. If you write “Robin Hood rules!” in the comments below, tomorrow will be amazing. One of your textbooks is very lucky. A different textbook is very unlucky. Mention a tuba at least three times a day, or else. Your finger will hurt tomorrow, for no real reason. Try not to look directly at clocks. Someone will spit in the fruit salad. Tell everyone!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
For good luck, catch at least 75 raindrops on your tongue. For even better luck, catch them in your nose. (Just don’t breathe, or else you’ll drown.) Paperclips will be used for things that do not involve paper. To find true love, write the words “All this talk about Batman and Robin Hood has made me hungry,” in the comment sections below. Ride a bike this month. If you don’t own a bike, ride a llama. Buy a superball, bounce it as hard as you can, and if you can find where it lands, you will be successful in life. Reverse the order in which you wash your body. You’ve been doing it wrong all these years.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Finish your homework before reading the rest of this horoscope. We’ll wait. Seriously. You did not finish it. We totally saw what you did. Go finish it. Thank you. There. That’s better. Don’t try to fool us again. Anyway, for finical success, you will need to talk to someone wearing a shirt with an animal on it. You have a secret admirer, and it’s not who you think it is. (Unless you think it’s that guy/girl wearing glasses in your class.) For good luck, write the phrase, “The next person to mention Batman is going to get shoved!” in the comments section below. Don’t trust spiders. Your toes are not as strong as they need to be for what will happen on April 30th. You better get them into shape.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Take a deep breath and you will smell waffles. For good luck, write the phrase, “Hey, I like Robin Hood and Batman equally. Let’s not fight about this, guys,” in the comment section below. A music box will not be a significant part of your life this month. Try eating oatmeal with bananas. It’s delicious. Your computer is almost out of battery power. So is your cell phone. Great and wonderful things will occur at the park this month, but only if you bring a fork with you. Remember that thing you saw last night? Keep that to yourself. No one else needs to know. Don’t climb trees. Climb plants.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Wear something orange every day this month. We’re not kidding. It’s a matter of life and death. Someone you have a crush on just walked past your house, looking for love, and you totally missed it because you were reading this sentence. Take two slices of pizza. It’s cool. There will be enough for everyone. For great luck this month, write the phrase, “I’m not going to mention Batman, because Dan Bergstein can’t tell me what to do. He’s not the boss of me!” in the comments section below. Be advised: Anyone with a mustache is probably evil, or a time traveler, or both.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
For great luck this month, write the phrase, “Batman is all right, I guess. He's better than stupid Robin Hood, that's for sure,” in the comments section below. The next spam email you receive will actually be a coded message that outlines and accurately predicts the rest of your life. Try to figure it out. Wonderful things will happen at the bowling alley. Horrible things will happen at the archery range. Draw a giraffe on the lower righthand corner of one of your folders, and people will fall madly in love with you. Tell your best friend that we said hi and that we’ll return her plate next weekend. Thanks. (She knows what this is about.)

Related post: March Horoscopes

Topics: Life
Tags: horoscopes

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