Confused Substitute Teacher Summarizes Classic Literature

Stop us if you've heard this one: You get to English class one morning to find a tired-looking stranger fumbling around behind the teacher's desk. His tie is somehow on backwards, and he clearly has a headache from trying to learn as much English Literature as possible in the car on the way over. He has not been very successful at this.

These are his literary analyses. They will contain **HEAVY SPOILERS,** even though many of these are **HOPELESSLY WRONG.**

1.) The Odyssey

Synopsis: "There's this Greek hero named Odysseus, who must be the worst hero ever, because it takes him ten years to sail home and he manages to get his entire crew killed along the way. But I guess there were lots of monsters back then, so it kind of makes sense. Anyway, he finally gets home, and then he kills everyone there, too, for mooching. The End."
Moral: "No matter how unfaithful you are with your wife, repeatedly and with weird creatures, she will always take you back, because of… something about a tree…?"

2.) The Great Gatsby

Synopsis: "This one's tricky. It seems like a bunch of lazy people lying around and not having jobs, but there's all this symbolism, and, uh… symbols. Like there's a lot about cars, which represents how cars were very important in 1922. Also there's something about a green light, which I think represents money, and how Gatsby enjoys money. Then he gets shot and dies."
Moral: "People are like boats: if you shoot them while they're in the water, well, that's pretty much the end of that."

3.) Antigone

Synopsis: "This girl Antigone wants to bury her brother's body, but nobody will let her, because of… I don't know, crazy Ancient Greek stuff. She buries him anyway, and then every single character commits suicide, also because of crazy Ancient Greek stuff. Oh, and the whole time, the Chorus is like, 'Man what??' but nobody pays attention to them."
Moral: "The Ancient Greeks had a saying: 'Pride goeth before the part where everybody dies.' And I think that is the moral of Antigone."

4.) 1984

Synopsis: "In a totalitarian state in... the past, or possibly the future… only one man can stand against the machinations of the diabolical Big Brother, and his name is Luke Skywalker."
Moral: "Okay, I have never read 1984."

5.) Frankenstein

Synopsis: "You know the drill. Mad scientist, lightning, reanimated corpse, et cetera. But what if humanity is the real monster?! Ha ha, just kidding, the monster is the real monster."
Moral: "There are some things man was never meant to know. For example, how to invent a monster that kills everybody. So don't do that."

6.) Romeo and Juliet

Synopsis: "Okay, let's see here…" (He is hurriedly consulting the back cover of a VHS tape.) "Romeo and Juliet is William Shakesburg's story about two young lovers and their warring families, the Sharks and the Jets. Apparently, these kids are 'star-cross'd lovers,' which I guess is some kind of disease. Anyway, it means they're not supposed to get married, but then they do anyway, even though Juliet is in, like, eighth grade. Then some more stuff happens, and as far as I know, they dance and sing for a bit and live happily ever after."
Moral: "If you mope around and stab enough people, everything will work out in the end!"

Have you ever had an inept sub?

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