Auntie SparkNotes: Your Pain Is SOOOO Annoying

Hey Auntie,

I've been having this problem with a friend who I'll call TK, he used to be odd but a really nice person who I actually enjoyed hanging out with. But recently he's changed a lot, he's become moodier and he's acting out just to get attention (which he didn't use to do) and after a break up (he takes relationships very seriously he just wants to be loved) he's become even moodier and I fear that he's gonna go back to cutting himself which he did a couple of years ago (which I didn't take serious either). I think that the best thing for him to do would be to talk to someone about his issues someone he can trust..... but I don't want to be that person or even give the impression that I care so that he won't come to me about it. I'm pretty self absorbed and the only people I put above my self is Family, which he is definitely not!!! So he must be really bad for me to notice, but no one cares enough to tell him. Plus his new attitude is so annoying! So due to the fact that I have my own issues I decided to ignore his various issues until he brings them up. But people are starting to notice and asking me as his closest school friend to do something.

So my question is:
I know I'm being horrible, but does it make me a bad person if as long as I don't suffer from his pain I couldn't care less?

Um, yeah?

Or if not a bad person, at the very least, a person who's completely lacking in empathy. Think of your friend as a trainwreck: If you saw one, you might stand by and wait for the fire department to show up, rather than diving into the burning rubble yourself. But you probably wouldn't stroll away, totally unmoved, shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Well, that was too bad, but I'm just an incredibly uncaring and self-absorbed person! Yep, I suck! Oh well, nothing I can do about it, so... let's go get some tater tots!"

Which is, weirdly, what you claim to be doing right now. But you know what?
I'm not buying it.

You're concerned and irritated at your friend for not helping himself—and that means that (gasp!) you kinda do care. You just don't feel up to shouldering the responsibility for yanking him out of his current quagmire. And while that's too bad, it's also understandable. Emotional and mental health issues are messy, and when you step into the middle of someone else's problems, it's easy to get dragged down by whatever drama he creates. You're not the only person to step back from a downward-spiraling friend because you don't want him to splash The Crazy all over you. (For an extreme real-world example of this, take a look at Amy Winehouse.)

However, seeing your friend in pain and doing absolutely nothing to help him is unconscionable. And not only that, it's unnecessary. It's not your job to get nose-deep in the guy's issues, but as his closest friend, you should do what you can to connect him with someone who can help—especially when he's in such obvious distress that people are asking you to step in. So tell him you're worried (because come on, yes you are), and then either talk to his parents or walk him down to the office of your school shrink. You don't have to drag him out of the muck by yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't show him the way out.

And then, go get some tater tots.

Thoughts? Feedback? Tater tots? Leave them in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com. You can also find her on Facebook.