25 SparkNotes Fortunes

By Kia Wood

March 26, 2010

Some fortunes are brilliantly reflective; others are downright weird. We’d like to imagine there’s a wise old Tibetan monk scripting those tiny slips of paper, but more likely it's some bored college kid thinking up nonsense while picking his nose. That said, if he can make a fortune writing fortunes (or at least burrito money), we can too! Here are some things we think fortune cookies should say:

1. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bucket.
2. Genies lie. You can wish for more wishes.
3. You will be a legend among idiots.
4. Life is a party. BYOButtercream frosting.
5. Ep! Oh. is just hope spelled backwards.
6. Where there is hair, there will be fur.
7. You will have many Facebook friends.
8. People like you when you’re not around.
9. You are first among all commenters.
10. Small children envy your height.
11. When in doubt, rock it out.
12. Never trust animals with human names.
13. You have big teeth.
14. Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15. He who is bald has the strongest hair.
16. Your eyes will soon be sparking. Keep them open.
17. Socks + sandals = breathable sneakers.
18. Don’t change, unless I tell you to.
19. What would you do if I were a Klondike bar?
20. Made with love and kerosene.
21. You can’t touch this.
22. You are unwitting, but beautiful.
23. Where there is smoke, there is BBQ.
24. If you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, you may want to call a doctor.
25. Be kind to robots; one day they will rule the world.