Blogging Eclipse: Part 19
Chapter Nineteen: Selfish
Better Title: Whatever Baby Wants, Baby Gets
Not much happens in this chapter. So, instead of a traditional blog, I present to you this summary of events in poem form. Enjoy.
T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke.
She had slept in real late, and that is no joke
She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare
He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care.
They talk about gifts, and presents and such.
She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch.
He will give her a gift. Something old, something used.
She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes.
They yap about love, as I roll my eyes.
Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies.
I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now.
So I will shut up, like some silent cow.
Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look.
She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook.
See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan,
To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan.
She will not hide away during the big bad fight,
But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite.
Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps.
So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs.
How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague?
I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog.
What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know.
Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?
Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight.
She whines and complains, like she does every night.
Edward says no, it's too filled with danger
She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger.
But Bella refuses her master's demand.
If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand.
She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work.
So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk."
Ed shakes his head. He will not give in.
He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin.
He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds.
He used his dumb powers to read into their minds.
One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude,
But does she walk around all day nearly nude?
The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long.
I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look.
I've been spending too much time with this lousy book.
Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions.
It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition.
That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense.
Sorry about that. And don't take offense.
So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains
And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains.
The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam
She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!"
Think of the drama! This is going to be fun.
Like watching a dating show on VH1.
Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore.
Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore.
See, Embry's mom came here from way up north.
And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth.
Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem.
Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm.
OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom.
His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom!
I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch.
I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch."
But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog.
I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.
That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell.
And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail
She makes a demand that is selfish and trite.
"Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight."
Belly won't mess with the vampire war
If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more.
She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle.
Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle.
Edward should fight; he should help his friends.
But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s).
He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks.
But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks.
Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck.
I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck.
How could you ask this? How? And why?
Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die!
Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect.
Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect.
Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache.
And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake.
So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food.
Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood.
Later that night they all go to fight practice.
And…something, something, something cactus.
Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none.
They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one.
I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick.
But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic.
Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me!
Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry.
Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap.
I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap.
My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan.
I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan.
And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck.
I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck!
Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right.
Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight.
Then something happens, that was not expected
I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)
Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two.
It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh.
He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet.
After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat.
But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard
It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard.
I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming.
Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing.
Glowers: 1 (Book Total 13)
Murmurs: 4 (Book Total 53)
The battle begins, and Emmett fights bravely.
He slays fifteen vampires, and wounds many more gravely.
With an axe in each hand, he lays waste to them all.
As Ed and B. shop for a new coat at the mall.
Esme is killed, and she dies with honor.
The vamps then kill Quil, Billy, Jasper, and Conner.
But it's OK, Edward. You hang out with Belly.
Don't worry about people dying. Go watch the telly.
Is this the best blog Dan's ever written???? We think so, but we need to reread all his previous posts to be sure!