A N00b's Disney Adventure, Part 2: Mulan

By Contributor

March 25, 2010

Our resident Disney neophyte, flunkybed, is back, and funnier than ever. —SparkNotes editors

First off, I just have to say that Mulan is the most kickass Disney heroine ever. In fact, she's high up on the list of Most Awesome People Ever In The History Of The Universe, with the likes of Chuck Norris, Abraham Lincoln, and Spock. I'd bet my box of Girl Scout cookies (which, by the way, are delicious, but they're mine! All mine!) she was voted "Most Likely To Kick Your Sorry Butt While Being Hot" back in the day at ninja school, because she was definitely way too awesome for high school. (Btw, I'm straight. Really.)

I'm going to dedicate this whole post to "Mulan" because it was just that amazing.

Animation and artistic factor: I'd heard a lot of hype about how "Mulan" is a really beautifully-made movie, and it definitely lived up to it. The colors of all the different scenes were gorgeous, and the backgrounds were so well-drawn. You could probably watch the movie based purely on artistic merit and aesthetics. Or you could just look at this. Kidding. Try this. One problem I have with the film, though, is that from now on I'll always be frightened of huge snowy mountains because I'll imagine hordes of terrifying Mongolians stampeding down. I'll also be scared of little rag dolls, too. Those beady black eyes are so haunting. They're almost like Coraline eyes, which scared my purple plaid pants off. We all know that purple plaid pants are never supposed to be scared off, right? That's, like, sacrilegious.

Shang's abnormally square pectorals were also pretty strange. They really were square. I felt like I could have used one of their edges as a straightedge, or baked square-shaped cookies on his chest, because goodness, he was hot without a shirt.

The soundtrack to the movie was also fantastic, even though it only consisted of, like, five songs. "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" is probably one of the most iconic Disney songs ever made. (Note: "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" is too long for my tired fingers to type, so I will shorten it to YABW, short for "You're a Big Wussy." That's basically what he's saying, right?) YABW is probably one of the most famous songs ever made, excluding the entire Wiggly's soundtrack.

Actually, maybe YABW is just a thing where I live. I don't know about you guys, but at my school it's totally normal to start singing (or shouting) YABW at random times, and no one finds it weird. In fact, people usually will join in. I now know why. The song sequence was my favorite scene in the movie, but it came very close to one other scene that I'll address later (it wasn't the awkward bath scene though. I find no humor in the she/he's private nekkid time being interrupted by dozens of undressed hairy people, because I am a grumpy old fart.)

The song "Reflections" was super pretty and I started singing along with my sparse lyric knowledge, much to the dismay of those watching with me.

Characters: Mushu was, of course, hilarious and the perfect comic relief ("Now let's go kick some Hunny buns!" Lol. Good one, little man, good one). He was a little too Americanized for my taste, but I get that it was a movie made to suit the American masses and blah blah blah. Shang was, of course, the hot, noble tough guy who warms up and falls in love with the heroine. Even if he didn't know she was a chick. How does that even work? (Mmm, square pecs.)

And Mulan was, of course, ridiculously awesome. She's the only Disney princess I know of that has balls. (Metaphorical balls, that is.) Then again, I've only met four so far. They were (for the most part) a little bit brave too, but not close to Mulan! Mulan crossdresses in the army, risking her own life to save her dad's, and then saves all of freaking China, and on top of that she owns a pet dragon. I bet she also wears matching socks, can balance three teapots on her head simultaneously, and owns an ice cream machine. I hate you, Mulan. You're too perfect. Go play with your stupid little perfect Disney friends and have your stupid tea parties. Ugh.

And now, because I read online that it's healthy to express your negative feelings to people, I'm going to go reward myself with ice cream.

Seriously, though, the scene that came a very very close second to my favorite was when she was preparing for war. This scene brought to me a whole new definition of "badass," to add to my previous definition of one who makes duct tape wallets, steals stacks of napkins from school cafeterias, owns pet Yoshis, and does similarly awesome things. This scene should be inducted into the Disney Heroine Epicness Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, Mulan would be the only one in there. I mean, when she was chopping off her locks and all, she was so determined about it. Look at those eyebrows! (I do love her eyebrows. They're like intense calligraphy strokes.) Another Disney princess would probably cry about cutting off all her hair and smudge her makeup, and then cry harder about ruining her makeup. Pansies. The only thing I would add to that scene would be a shot of her eating these babies. That would have added a drooling element to complement the visual, musical, and epicness elements. (I don't care if it doesn't fit with the scene. Food is food. Are you going to argue with me?)

The best part about Mulan, though, is that it's (possibly) a true story. I read the Ballad of Mulan a few years ago in Chinese school, and Disney actually stayed pretty true to it. Except that in the Ballad of Mulan, Mulan went to war for 12 years instead of a few months or however long she was gone in the film. If I knew her in real life at the time, I would have been depressed at my inferiority and gone to train up my banana-juggling skills so I could be better than her at something. You can't be good at it all, Mulan. That's just not fair.

The Verdict: 6/5 slices of cheese

Reasons why I am jealous of Mulan:

1) She saves China. She. Saves. China. I WANT TO SAVE CHINA. (I also want to be able to see over the top of at least one of my friends' heads, but that isn't working out so well. Sadface.)

2) She gets a hot guy while crossdressing. I don't even get how that happens. But Shang is so hot. Mmmm. Except for his square moobs. Honestly, what type of pectorals have right angles in them?

What do you think of Mulan? Also, should the hilarious flunkybed do open mic night at her local coffee shop?