How to Deal with PDA

Ahhh, spring! The season of love (and chocolate bunnies)! We have no problem with small displays of romantic expression—like holding hands or staring googly-eyed into your significant other's eyes. But we DO have a problem with people full-on making out in public. So what do you do when that couple hangs out near your locker or sits next to you at the movie theater? We went into the love laboratory and tested a bunch of possible reactions with super sensitive scientific instruments (or not). These were the most effective:

Do a play-by-play: Since you have a front row seat to a game of tonsil hockey, go ahead and channel your favorite sportscaster (we're big fans of Harry Caray and John Madden). Narrate the action REALLY LOUDLY and with tons of enthusiasm!

"Brian leans in right with a head tilt and an open tongue wag and then OHHHH NOOOO! NOSE COLLISION!!! But that's not stopping Kelly—she's responding with a big-fish-face pucker. Look at the form, folks!!!"

Invade their public privacy: Obviously, this couple believes they are wearing an invisibility cloak that hides their sloppy smooching from the world. But as you (and every other muggle) can see, the couple is actually in plain view, standing in front of the locker next to yours.

The best way to fight complete obliviousness? Complete obliviousness. Walk right up to the public offenders—and by right up, we mean inches from their faces. Then wait. Keep waiting. When they stop and look at you angrily, say something like, "OHHH, I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something? I didn't see you there."

Count: 1 one thousand, 2 one thousand, 3 one thousand...No one likes to make out when they think they're being timed.

Get immature: When was the last time you sang this grade school ditty?: "John and Kristen sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." It's been a long time, huh? Well, brush up on the lyrics, because nothing kills romance like immaturity. If you're feeling really ambitious, recruit some friends and sing the song in 3-part harmony.

Ignore: Sure, you could ignore the couple altogether. But why should you be left without a lab partner just because yours is sucking his girlfriend's ear? Simply ignore the making out. Proceed as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening (and maybe add a little immaturity, just for good measure):

"Hey, could you hold this skin flap back while I cut into the abdomen? Oh gross! LOOK AT ALL THAT POOP IN THE INTESTINES. POOP! PILES OF POOP! Haha, bio is great, isn't it?"

Snort and gasp: Each time one member of the couple moves, give a loud snort. When someone comes up for air, take in a huge breath and say, "Finally!"

What do you think of PDA? How do you handle a sloppy couple that's too close for comfort?

Related Post: Oops Your Way to a First Kiss