The Friday Awards

Hi Sparklers,

I'm Nash, the new intern. I decided to give the eds a break today by handling the Friday Awards myself. I spent days picking through this week's platter of scarring sex-ed stories and gruesome teacher-desks findings, and I'm not ashamed to say some of the comments gave me night terrors. But many of them also made me laugh... a lot. For those comments, and for the comments I can't seem to forget (for better or for worse), I say thank you... with a Friday Award.

Happy belated birthday to thenonexistant1, Lady_Sunshine3 and pullingpuzzles!

The Poigniant Observation award goes to opinionatedlg for this comment on the Blogging Eclipse: Part 18 post...

Ugh, I HAVE read Wuthering Heights. Worst book I've ever read in my life except for Twilight. They are very similar. Gee, I wonder why Bella spends her spare time reading Wuthering Heights(sarcasm hand raised)?

The Tweetstradamus Award goes to...

...cj926 for this comment on the Tweets of the Distant Future post...

my dad said i can have his old electric car. thanks dad, thanks. that thing's like 100 years old.

The Mortifying Sex Ed Stories of the Week Awards go to...

...VariableEstrella for this comment on the Sex Education Around the World post...

True awkward story: setting--sex Ed, my school
So the whole class was enduring a planned parenthood class on safe sex and stuff, and the teacher is trying to get us to say words for ...parts.. . And do other such things so that we can break the ice. One guy in the class is used as an example, and his job is to put a condom on a wooden model. He is initially a good sport, making fun of himself and talking to the model...until one of the school aides walks into the classroom. He gets silent,turns red, and jams his hands firmly in his pockets before
he manages to get out, "hi mom"

...nox_light47 for this comment on the same post...

True story: My sex ed teacher made everyone scream "PENIS!!!" a couple times before we started, to "get rid of the awkwardness." Then, one poor kid (let's call him Pierre) walked in from the bathroom or late or something, I don't remember. So the teacher, an ancient guy gym teacher, points at poor Pierre and goes, "SAY PENIS." Pierre's face was priceless, but he finally squeaked out, "Penis." The teacher was practically in hysterics xD Good times.
Poor Pierre.

...Edani10 for...

In 8th grade, a lady came in to talk to us about abstinence. She chose three volunteers, and stuck each one with duct tape on their arm.
She said, " as you can see, by the third person, the duct tape loses it's stickiness. It's not as good as it was before."
I think what she was trying to say is that having sex gets less sticky with time.

...travelwriter21 for...

In 8th grade we had to go to this HORRIBLE lecture (guys mixed in with girls) on sex ed and this lady wore velcro gloves, then tried to pull them apart as the following dialogue occured.
lady: "Do you hear that noise kids?"
awkward 14-year-olds: "Umm... you mean the velcro?"
lady: "That is the sound of the emotional scarring you will get after you break up with someone you had sex with. Scarring I tell you!"
14-year-olds: *display a range of emotions from vaguely confused to terrified*
I think I'm scarred from that lecture.

The Honorary British Person Award (cuz we can so grant that) goes to mrs_darcy94 for this comment on the England post...

I soooo wish I was british! sooooo badly!!! i LOOOVVVVEEEE british accents so much, so so so much. everytime i hear a british accent, i dont like to talk for a while after that cuz i get so depressed...

The Appetite-Destroyer Award goes to sweetiepie94 for this comment on the sex ed post...

I always get the best sex ed at my dinner table. Yes while we are eating dinner.
one night we started talking about circumcisions because my brother asked what it was.
We were eating hot dogs that night.
Great visual....

The School Sleuth Awards goes to...

...charred_rose11 for this comment on the Things You'll Find In Your Meanest Teacher's Desk post...

My 6th grade math class was in a class room with a jar on a desk (which didn't belong to my teacher) that was labeled : "Ashes of Problem Students". It was funny. One time we looked in it. There were scraps of fabric.

...biskvitkaimlyako for this comment on the same post...

An actual human skeleton!
But it wasn't in a desk. Just that particular teacher's storage closet.
She claimed it was her first husband.

The Cruisin' for a Bruisin' Award goes to melbertster for this comment on the 10 Easy Ways to Get Beat Up post...

I'd go back in time to the French Revolution and stand next to a bunch of starving angry-looking peasants with a huge piece of bread and say "Man, I LOVE King Louis!!"

The "I'd hate to text you by mistake" Awards go to...

...brontethecat for this comment on the How to Handle Mystery Texts award...

Ahhh! Google is so arrogant! It makes me so mad that I occasionally yell, but then I apologize, because I love Google and its powers.
If I get a mystery text that says "where are you?" I say, "I'm right here, where are you, crazy?"

...Trini94 for this comment on the same post...

I usually just play along. I have a personal contest going on with myself to see how along I can keep unknown texters going. I had a really crazy conversation once with some girl who thought that I was her friend. And apparently, this girl and the friend that I was pretending to be had a really awkward time together the night before when "I" dropped my pants to the ground right in front of her. xD I ended up making them get back together, so I really hope it wasn't completely awkward the next day. xD

LOL Points to...

agentplatypus for this comment on the England post...

I want to marry a super cute british guy. Who has an eyepatch. And hunts space zombies on a rocketship. Oh yeah.
By the way, MLIA PWNS.

...skysquirrel417 for this comment on the rejected prom themes post...

the war of 1812? if you want something thats inappropriate on so many levels, try "the battle of the bulge."

...McGonagall62 for this comment on the odd collections post...

I collect small porcelain figurines, usually in the form of some fat naked baby angel.
Did i mention im 15 and not 87?

...Paige6696 for this comment on the life zit post...

have i had any life zits this week? Heck, my whole life is a zit

...pennboz for this comment on the games post...

My sister and her husband got Twister as a gift right after they got married. They also got a box that said "Twister Outfits" on the outside and when they opened it it was empty. I think it's safe to say that no one will play twister with them anymore.

...neomaxizoomdwbi for this comment on the sex ed post (really, the comments were unbelievable for this one)...

In my sex ed class, it was all girls. Our teacher was about one hundred and ninety-seven, and we ended up teaching her. It was sooo scary. She'd been teaching sex ed for decades and had two sons, yet, a bunch of fourteen and fifteen year old girls knew more than she did.

...JungianSapphist for this comment on the teacher's desk post...

One teacher has a whole gas station in her desk, all this food and stuff.
I know one teacher who has a palmpilot and would have it on to check bluetooth to see who had their phones on.
And that same teacher had a condom *sigh* in her desk, but a student put it there, lol.
And my Biology teacher had a dead, frozen fish in her desk to give back to me. I gave it to her (alive) for the fish tank. It died. She's like "you can return it to Petco..." Wow, you know?

...musical-ninja-cookie for this comment on the same post...

My fourth grade teacher who, by the way, was a nun, kept a knife in her desk. She said it was to cut fruit, but judging by her personality, well, it's probably best not to cross her.

...MaggieGirl2013 for this comment on the A Day in the Life of a Fine Arts School Girl post...

I would love to go to the Fine Arts School... but the school I would really want to go to is Skydiving U. SHABAM! "Today, class, we are focusing on S.P.L.A.T Squat, pray, leap AHHH! and Touchdown. Remember kids, that spells SPLAT."
Man, that would be a beasty (and life-threatening) school.

...apples137 for this comment on the beat up post...

haha, i'm not itching for a phyisical fight, but i do want something to happen. seriously, my class is so lazy that they just don't fight.

...1grobanite for this comment on the March 18th open thread...

So, i have a random story that has been giving me nightmares.... Not too long ago, i was in the car with my cousin. It happened to be raining really hard, and as we drove past a biker (an actual bike with pedals) he was wearing a scuba mask and a snorkel. I haven't thought of rain the same way since. And I'm so happy to finally have that off my chest! Haha

...MissLovegood for this comment on the same post...

... Skip, CHECK
Shorts, Not Check. Short Skirt?
Room, NO.
Sunglasses, maybe...
Grass, ALREADY GREEN?? IN MAINE??!
Picnic basket, I packed a bento today. It's close.
Pastels, SUPER CHECK. Only... pastel orange? Still.
Nature, mm.. no
Tent, lol no I prefer cabins doll. Or a mountain top :3
Backyard, not yet!
I's... are dotted with cats.
Snow, I have none. WhoA.
Baseball, I can't! The only thing I know about baseball is... nothing.
Hot, true. But only from certain hallways.
Allergies, haha.. actually I usually say I'm allergic to Al Gore.
Spring Break, mmm....
Flowers, OMG! Doing that.
Popsicles, did that last wednesday!
Daylight Savings, didn't that happen.. last week??
Frosty.. is already dead :3
So basically I'm in Spring Mood! And you just made it worse. Yay!

Creepy Thing of the Week Award goes to biskvitkaimlyako for this comment on Awesome Thing of the Week...

Speaking of creepy things, my friend sent me an American political ad that featured demonic sheep with glowing red eyes.
It was terrifying. It should be our creepy thing of the week.
Also, the creepy thing of the week should have its own category.

The Dexter's Laboratory award goes to neomaxizoomdwbi for this comment on the Should I Be a High School Hermit? post...

Friends are just distractions. All they do is interfere with my plans for world domination. How can I organize my armies, when there's someone nagging me about their boyfriend, or dragging me out to the mall, so I can watch them argue with themselves on whether they should get the purple top, or the green one?

The Flower Power award goes to Mrs_Icicle for this comment on the March 18 Open Thread...

my friends and i become hippies in the spring. We hang out in the park and make crowns and bracelets out of dandelions. If you ever see a bunch of crazy mixed up teenagers in central park with flowers in their hairs (even the guys), dont pay us any attention, we just have nothing else to do. However if you are feeling festive we would love people to join in our ukulele dances.

Nash Note: Automatic Friday Award for the first Sparkler who takes neomaxizoomdwbi to the mall. Isn't it obvious that he secretly wants to go?