The Auntie SparkNotes Guide to Prom, Part 5: You've Been Asked

Prom is fast approaching, Sparklers! Good thing we're almost to the end of the grueling step-by-step of procuring a date; if you've been following our schedule, you've already considered your options and selected a potential date, sussed out the interest of your crush, asked someone to attend the prom with you, and gotten some semblance of a response. (Click back through the links if you need a refresher... or if, God forbid, you haven't begun the process yet. By jove, man, hurry up! That tiara isn't going to wear itself!)

Of course, not everyone will be asking somebody to the prom. Because for each asker, there must also be an askee—and that means some of you have recently fielded an invitation to the prom, or are anticipating said invitation, or (shame!) are sitting on an extended invite having told your asker, "Maybe." So today, we're covering The Askees' response options.

As we've mentioned, an invitation to the prom can yield one of three types of responses. First among them:

Response #1: The Yes.
Chances are, you don't need to be told how to say yes. If you've been asked to the prom by somebody you'd love to go with, any of the following responses are perfectly appropriate:

"I'd love to!"
"Yes, that would be great."
[Tears of joy followed by an explosion of unintelligible but positive-sounding gibberish].

There, that was easy! Oh, but just in case...

DO
* Accept graciously and enthusiastically.
* Make your date aware of any and all implications of being your prom date. If your parents need to meet him in advance of the big night, or if you've already promised your friends that you'll all be riding in a limo together, now is the time to mention it.
* Take this opportunity to say, "We're going as friends, right?" if you need to make your intentions clear. (Only necessary if you want things strictly platonic and your asker seems to have ulterior motives. Otherwise, don't say anything.)

DON'T
* Shrug or mumble a noncommittal "yeah." If you're accepting, do it nicely.
* Try to add an escape clause to your acceptance on the theory that you might find someone better.
* Jump down your now-date's throat with a list of demands, expectations, and elaborate plans for the evening. You'll have plenty of time to discuss whether or not he needs to coordinate his tie with your dress once the initial "I've got a date!" euphoria wears off.

Response #2: The No.
Turning down a date is seriously unpleasant: guilt-inducing for you, embarrassing for her, and supremely uncomfortable for you both. But you've gotta say something, because the longer you let the question just hang in the air while you stall and shuffle awkwardly, the more likely it'll be that your asker will start to cry and you'll find yourself lamely muttering something about having to herd sheep that evening. So smile apologetically, look her in the eye, and give your best firm but polite rejection. The No will usually fall into one of three categories:

The No-Fault No: The least hurtful of rejection types, the No-Fault No is used when you can't go for reasons that have nothing to do with your date's desirability. For example: "I'm sorry, I can't. My grandmother's birthday party is that night and I have to be there. It's kind of a big deal because she's turning 155."

The Polite Deflection: If you're hoping to attend the prom but not with this particular person, the Polite Deflection is a definitive rejection that preserves the asker's feelings by implying that the problem is you, not her. For example: "I'm flattered you asked, but I think I'm just going to do the big-group-of-friends thing this year," or, "Thank you so much, but I'd kind of already planned to ask someone else."

The Beatdown: If you don't care one iota about the feelings of your asker, The Beatdown is your preferred method of rejection. For example: "The prom? With YOU?! No way, loser! You smell like a water buffalo!" (Note: If you actually do this, you are a complete butthead and we are sending a team of ninjas to steal one of your kidneys. JERK.)

DO
* Be polite and considerate. Even if you don't want to go, you can reassure the asker that you're flattered by the invitation.
* Explain your reasons for rejection if they won't make the asker feel bad. Knowing you said no because of a scheduling conflict will help keep the asker's self-confidence intact.
* Suggest an alternative when appropriate. If you know someone who would like to go with your asker, offer to connect them. (Just don't make it seem like a pity case.)

DON'T
* Be an ass. Laughing at, insulting, or humiliating someone who asks you to the prom is totally not okay.
* Lie about being unable to go. Showing up to the prom with someone else after you've told one person you couldn't make it because of a chess tournament is bad, bad form.
* Give false hope. If there's no way in hell you'd go with this person, don't say no in a way that suggests you could be approached again.

Response #3: The Maybe.
A "maybe" response is only appropriate under very specific circumstances, and only for a limited period of time. We know there are good reasons why you might not be able to give a definitive answer right this minute... but there's no good reason to keep someone hanging for more than 48 hours. The Maybe can swing one of two ways:

The Maybe Meaning Yes: The MMY is for when you'd like to go but need to make sure you can. It's sort of like asking for an extension on an assignment—you have every intention of doing it soon, but you just can't right now. And just as when you're asking for an extension, when you're using the MMY, you must offer a good reason why you need that extra time. For example: "Can I tell you tomorrow? I'd love to go, I just have to make sure my parents are cool with it."

The Maybe Meaning No: A favorite of wimps and washouts, The MMN is what happens when you're too chicken to sack up and just say no outright—or when you'd like to keep this invite on the back burner in case your first choice falls through. The MMN is almost always reprehensible, and it almost never ends well. For example: "Um... maybe. I'll let you know," followed by a full week during which you run the other way every time the person who asked you looks in your direction.

Note: The Maybe Meaning No is permitted ONLY under the following conditions: you would like to go to prom with the person who's asked you, but you have another potential date you would prefer to go with, and you expect said date to extend an invitation imminently.

In this case, you are allowed a 24-hour "maybe" grace period for the sole purpose of tying up loose ends with the preexisting potential date.

DO
* Make it clear when your maybe is really a yes-in-progress. Your asker will be happy to give you some extra time if he knows you do want to go.
* Tell your asker why you can't say yes right now, whether it's parental rules or the need to check your schedule.
* Make it a priority to give an answer ASAP, and if it's going to take longer than a day, update your asker regularly on your progress.

DON'T
* Say maybe because you're too chicken to say no. You're wasting valuable time in which your asker could be looking for another date.
* Disappear. Having to wait for an answer is a pain, but having your askee vanish and cease talking to you is just painful.
* Ask for time because you're hoping for a better offer. (The only exception to this rule is listed in the note above.)

Are you ready to respond? Good! Go for it! And coming up next week: Dating dilemmas beyond the initial Ask.