Things You'll Find In Your Meanest Teacher's Desk

You know the guy we're talking about—he glares at you with the fury of a thousand suns, and he fails everyone he possibly can, laughing like a war criminal as he does.

What is his deal? Does he have, like, human skulls in that desk? Well, you need not ponder this question any longer, because we've pondered it for you. Yep, here's what we think is in that sad, metal desk of his:

1) A travel itinerary for his spring break vacation to Transylvania
2) A photograph of his closest loved one, 19^th century economist Hans Angerstrike
3) His lunch, which consists of exactly three (3) Saltines and a warm bottle of tonic water
4) A destroyed stress ball
5) A little statuette that looks unsettlingly like Benito Mussolini
6) A whole bunch of moths that just totally fly out of nowhere
7) A yellowing New Yorker cartoon that could not possibly be funny to anyone ever

8) A can that says "Secretly Contains One of Those Springy-Snakes," but actually just contains nothing
9) A Letter to the Editor of the school paper, complaining about how everyone is too lazy these days, even though your school paper does not run letters to the editor
10) A picture frame containing the very first F he ever gave, 27 years ago, in this very classroom
11) A cassette tape of elevator music, which he listens to on his cassette tape player, which is apparently something that he still owns
12) Your plaintively-meowing cat, who has been missing for like five months
13) A list of students' names, with little sad-faces drawn next to the ones he's successfully made cry
14) His laptop, which upon closer inspection is just a blacked-out cereal box with some microchips rattling around inside
15) Last month's issue of Horrible Teacher Magazine

16) A book of Annoying Ways to Correct People, including chapters such as "You Just Split An Infinitive!" and "Tomatoes Are Actually A Fruit!"
17) Just a big old sack of onions

What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in a teacher's desk?

Related Post: Five Horrible Teacher Archetypes, Ranked by Horribleness