Auntie SparkNotes: Honesty Is a Kick in the Face

Dear Auntie Sparknotes, I need your help!

I have been in a relationship with this girl for over a year, and it has gone absolutely wonderful. That's not the problem. The problem is, she has very low self esteem, especially regarding her appearance. Now recently I have taken it upon myself to be more honest with her even if it could hurt her feelings because I feel that's the right thing to do.

Specifically, she often complains about her weight, which I honestly don't think is too much of an issue for her. I usually just put the issue off by insisting that she wasn't remotely overweight in the slightest. But me and my newfound honesty even in trivialities admitted to her (not in a mean way) recently that she is slightly overweight. And this has sent her self confidence in a downward spiral which I'm desperately trying to save from the crash landing.

Have I done the right thing in being more honest with her? If so, why do I feel so horrible? And is there any special way I can help her be more confident in herself? I have tried everything and encouraged her in every way I can think of. I really love her and want to help her as best as I can.

I believe the self esteem issue may possibly be stemming from her mother, because she often tells me how her mom calls her fat. Please help asap because I feel like it could affect our relationship soon if things do not get better. Many thanks in advance.

Many years ago, I knew a young man who, after making a similar pledge to be honest no matter what, made a similar remark to his girlfriend. It was as follows:

"Well, your best friend is a lot prettier than you... What? I'm just being honest! Would you rather that I lied?"

Would you rather that I lied? Gee, I don't know, yes? And also, DUH?
Because honest or not, that's a mean thing to say. And I know this, because it was said to me. And to give you an idea of just how much it sucked, consider the fact that it has been ten years and I am still mad about it.

Which brings us back to you: Of course you feel horrible, because what you did was unfeeling and hurtful. Trying to be honest is great, but being kind is so, so much more important. And your remark was anything but kind. Whether or not your girlfriend is overweight, it's obviously a source of a lot of anxiety for her. You knew that. You knew her mom constantly berates her about her weight. You knew how much she worries about it. And you knew that making a remark about her weight would really, really hurt your girlfriend's feelings.

And you did it anyway.

Ouch, dude.

Don't get me wrong: I know your intentions were good. But sometimes, being honest is the wrong thing to do. And that's especially true when it comes to someone's appearance. Sure, you certainly can tell someone honestly that she's fat, or that she's hideously pockmarked, or that she looks like a horse...but why would you? It's mean, and it's also pointless, because nobody needs someone else to point out her physical flaws. (I know I look like a horse, okay? You don't have to tell me. I KNOW.)

But when it comes to reviving your girlfriend's self-confidence, get ready for irony, because...you shouldn't lie to her.

She doesn't want you to lie and tell her she's tiny. She knows what her body looks like. And when she worries about her weight, it's not because she's afraid that she's overweight; it's because she's afraid that her weight makes her unattractive. What she wants is for you to reassure her that it doesn't.

And it doesn't, right? 'Cause you love her and think she's amazing.

So from now on, when your girlfriend says, "Do you think I'm fat?," the correct response is, "I think you're gorgeous," or "I love your body," or "You've got an amazing rack" (assuming she does, in fact, have an amazing rack.). The beauty of this is that you're still being honest, but you're also being caring. And that's always the right thing to do. It may take awhile for her to feel okay, due to the mom issue—and Auntie is swallowing some serious rage over that, because AAAAAGH SO NOT COOL—but eventually, your girlfriend will be confident in the knowledge that in your eyes, she's beautiful the way she is.

And from here on out, before you let fly with the honesty, ask yourself the following questions: Is this true? If so, is it a hurtful truth? And if it's a hurtful truth, is there anything to be gained by making this person feel terrible? (Hint: Feeling good about yourself for being honest doesn't count.) Put kindness first and honesty second, and you should never have another problem like this. I promise.

Got something to add? Comments! Got something to ask? Email! Auntie awaits your email at advice@sparknotes.com.