The Perfect Jacket for March

This is a strange month. Some days are cold. Some days are warm. It can be very confusing, unless you live in constantly perfect Southern California. (And if you do, can we come over some time? Just for, like, a month or two? We’ll bring movies and custard.) The odd March temperatures make dressing problematic. Should you bundle up? Bundle down? Bundle midway? Because of this situation, we have designed the perfect jacket for March. Fashion Industry, prepare to act like this isn’t amazing. (The Fashion Industry can be so smug.)

Product Name: The Spracket (SparkNotes Spring Jacket)

Description: The comfortable Spracket is warm enough for chilly March mornings, and cool enough for sunny March afternoons.

How It Works: The Spracket uses a system of complex zippers and Velcro to maintain the perfect temperature. It is made of denim, mostly. If you are feeling too cold, simply close up the Velcro-sealed vents, and your body heat will remain inside your jacket. If you are feeling too warm, open the vents, and let your body heat escape. With a little practice, the jacket can transform from cold-weather-mode to warm-weather-mode in a mere 20 minutes. That’s less time than an episode of 30 Rock!

But wait! There’s more. Imagine a situation in which you’re wearing The Spracket at a sophisticated dinner party or funeral. You become too warm, but you're worried about ripping open the noisy Velcro-sealed vents. Not to worry. Our soon-to-be patented technology uses your sweat to dissolve the secret sweat-release vents located in the rear of the jacket. Instead of a loud Velcro-ripping noise, these sweat-release vents make only a mild “ahhh” sound when activated, saving you embarrassment, and allowing you to continue enjoying the dinner party or funeral.

Bonus Features: Each Spracket comes with the following…

Two hand pockets

One finger pocket

One fake pocket, designed to lure and frustrate would-be pickpockets

One giant panda iron-on patch

Two hoods (The first goes over the back of your head, and will keep you dry. The second covers your face and will keep others dry by shielding them from your projectile tears and/or spit.)

Some books

One carrying case

Twelve scratch-n-sniff stickers (Choose from the following themes: Beach Party, Christmas, or Animal Wonders)

One combination spracket lock (To ensure security in these dangerous times)

One more pocket

One instruction manual (And VHS instructional videotape)

One built-in scarf/tissue

Two $5-off coupons for bowling

One reinforced elbow pad (choose from either right or left. Additional pads may not be purchased.)

One pair of cool-dude sunglasses

One tube of zipper lubricant

Price: $500 (plus taxes and activation fees)

The Spracket will not only be the must-have item this St. Patrick’s Day and Vernal Equinox, but it will certainly come in handy during the crazy month of October, or if you’re planning a trip to both Northern Russia and Southern France in the same weekend. If you’re interested in buying The Spracket, please go to any retail store, and keep asking about it until the sales associate summons the manager, at which point, you should probably leave. Or, write to your state representative. Remember: If you want to attract it, you best wear a Spracket. (In our head, this rhymed better.)

Or, just wear a hooded sweatshirt. (But does a hooded sweatshirt come with a giant panda iron-on patch?)

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