Auntie SparkNotes: Telling Secrets, Having Backs

Auntie Sparknotes,
My best friend has a problem with depression and his weight for the past four-five years or so, and I've been one of the few people he's disclosed it to. I've always been there for him the best I can and try to look out and protect him from what I can (high school can be rough). He's made more progress than he ever had made this year, and we were all very hopeful that it would be a turning point in his life. About a month ago, there was an assembly about depression, suicide, bulimia, anorexia, etc for the entire school. His health teacher (who was one of the few that knew about my friend's problems) asked him if he was comfortable attending the assembly, and my friend said he was. The assembly did impact him a bit, and I guess seeing that impact, the health teacher talked to him, saying that he had come far on his own, and that he looked good and healthy. My friend took this the completely wrong way, because in his mind, healthy meant that he was gaining weight, and that he was 'fat.'

Auntie, my friend is thinner than I am (and I'm average) and under no circumstance would anyone think he was fat, but thats how he views himself. I know this teacher, and when my friend told me what happened, I knew the teacher must have only meant this in a positive way. I wanted to protect my friend, and I was afraid this would happen again. So I went to the teacher a few days later, and told him how his comment impacted my friend, and how even though he meant well, it could still hurt him. The teacher took this very well, and was grateful that I came forth to tell him this. But I feel really really bad, like I betrayed my friend (I didn't tell him I went to talk to his teacher). I just wanted to prevent it from happening again, but I feel like I told a secret and shared something my friend wouldn't have wanted me to share. I wasn't sure what to do then, and now I feel like I should not have done this at all. Its been so many weeks and I still can't let this go. Should I tell my friend what I did? What if he gets upset at me? Did I do the right thing?? Help me put my mind at ease please!!

Let's get this out of the way right now: You didn't do anything wrong.

Now, while you climb off the ledge, here's why.

If you ask ten different people what qualities make someone a good friend, you'll probably get ten different answers—everything from "trustworthy and honest" to "fun and nonjudgmental" to "holds my hair back when I vomit." But if you boil them all down, you get just one, super-important thing:

A good friend has your back.

Always.

And while having your friend's back mostly means keeping his secrets—especially painful, personal ones like an eating disorder—it also means being an advocate for him when it matters, and that includes stepping forward to keep another well-meaning and trusted friend from unthinkingly causing him pain. So it's especially true in this case, when your teacher already knew about the problem and should not have said what he did. (Making comments about the appearance of a recovering anorexic is a huge no-no for exactly this reason. People who suffer from the disease develop a very warped perception of what their bodies should look like, so that to them, the word "healthy" means "fat." Meanwhile, if someone told your friend he looked like a walking skeleton, he'd probably take it as a compliment. Not good.)

Your friend confided in both you and this teacher because he wants, and needs, your support. The two of you are part of his safety net, and that means that you're not only meant to keep secrets, but to share information when necessary in order to give your friend the supportive community he needs to continue his recovery. Think of yourselves as a sort of family—when you come together out of love in order to help another family member, there's no betrayal there. And there's no need to tell your friend about this, either.

One note: This doesn't mean that you should always step in when someone says something that triggers a relapse or hurts your friend's feelings. Eventually, he'll need to advocate for himself and address problems like this on his own, and you can help him by encouraging him to do so. But in this case, you did the right thing.

So stop beating yourself up. And while you're at it, give yourself some credit for being a good egg. People need more friends like you.

Got something to say? Head to the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.