Auntie SparkNotes: Stupid-Face McGee

Sorry if our headline was a leeeeeetle bit mean yesterday. Auntie had written a nicer one, but we changed it, because we're kind of jerky. —SparkNotes editors

Hey Auntie, please try to help me out if you can!

So I am having unbelievably ridiculous ex-boyfriend troubles. This boy (lets call him "Stupid-Face McGee", but Steve for short) and I have been broken up for over a year. We didn't exactly end on the nicest of terms, but even after all the drama of a failed high school romance, you would think that both parties would be mature enough to just move on and bury the hatchet.

Well unfortunately, you would be wrong. It has been close to 14 months since we have broken up, but he still treats me like complete dirt. Usually I would just try to stay away from him, but Steve is in the same choir as me. Our choir is huge (around 90 people), but the director sat me and Steve right next to each other. Usually we just spend an hour and a half trying desperately to ignore one another, but when we are forced to talk all he does is slip snide comments to me that he regrets ever dating and/or meeting me and that I am not good enough. The comments didn't hurt at first but now they are beginning to sting. For example, today at lunch I was trying to talk to my friend and all of a sudden Steve starts a "slap-fight" with someone right across our conversation. My friend and I began to push them away, when all of a sudden Steve screams "Oh my God, ew!! It's touching me!!" and runs away. I am just sick of his crap. Can you pretty pretty PRETTY please help me out with a way to get him off my back, or at least give me some comments that will shut him up for good?

Yes, but... I just... I... um. Stupid-Face McGee?
Heh.
Heheheheh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA.

I like this very much and may appropriate it for my own personal use, if that's okay with you.

And as for Stupid-Face McGee (ha! *snort*), here's the deal: Up until now, you've been feeding into the machine by rising (or stooping) to the same level as His Stupid-Faced-Ness, by feeling awkward, trying to ignore him, and responding to his barbs and snide remarks by being hurt and upset. That's not working, and it's giving him the reaction he so desperately desires. So, short of chaining Steve to a tree in the middle of the forest and leaving him there for the duration of high school (hmm, could you...? Nah.), Auntie believes that it's time to change tactics—and that in this situation, your best course of action is to bombard him with kindness.

Kindness that hurts.

The bad news is that it'll require some additional wear on your already-paper-thin patience; the good news is, when executed correctly, this is one of the most satisfying revenge tactics known to man. Here's how it works: From here on out, in all your interactions with Steve, you will be the human embodiment of a cheerful ray of sunshine. Think of yourself as a flight attendant faced with an unruly passenger. Those gals don't crack, and neither will you. You will smile. You will laugh. You will be an island of beatific calm in the face of his ill-mannered onslaught.

And, of course, you'll have a useful arsenal of sunny reactions for all occasions:

Reaction #1: The Whatever-You-Say
When Steve insults you, react as follows: Stare for a moment. Raise your eyebrows, smile, shake your head a little, and then say, brightly, "Okay!" Then go back to whatever you were doing as though nothing happened. Don't look wounded, or even annoyed. The idea is to treat him like a three-year-old having a tantrum. It's all irrational craziness anyway, so who cares what he says? Not you!

Reaction #2: The One-Up
If Steve continues making remarks of the "I'm sorry I ever met you/you're not good enough" variety, adopt the same bright-and-happy posture as in the previous scenario and say, "Yep! Good thing we broke up MORE THAN A YEAR AGO!" (Or, if you were the one to end the relationship, "Good thing I dumped you!") Say this loud enough that the people around you can hear. Then, go back to what you were doing as though nothing happened.

Reaction #3: The Pleasant Pointer-Outer
If Steve makes another excuse to intrude on your space (as he did with the slap fight) in order to squeal about how gross you are, adopt the same bemused expression (eyebrows up, slight smile) and say, in the most honeyed tone you can muster, "You know, Steve, nobody is forcing you to sit right next to me. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable over there."

Ideally, your politeness in the face of Steve's ridiculous behavior will make him look even worse by comparison—thus shaming him into knocking off the crap, and allowing you to come through this situation untainted by the Crazy (and with everyone around you marveling at your patience and maturity.) But no matter what happens, and even if he doesn't cease and desist, remember that he's not someone whose opinion you care about. 'Cause, you know, he's acting like a complete tool. If anything, we should all be taking a moment to gape and giggle at a guy who still, fourteen months after the fact, is so bitter about a breakup that he's putting this much energy into bugging you.

And an afterthought: I almost wonder whether he's still hung up on you. This has all the hallmarks of "the lady doth protest too much."
Except for the part where Steve isn't a lady.
Hmm.

Got another nickname for our letter-writer's jerky ex? Got a question for Auntie? Leave your feedback in the comments, and send your conundrums to advice@sparknotes.com.