Hallway to Hell: Getting to Class in One Piece

By Contributor

March 9, 2010

We would totally befriend monsoon0203 if we were still in high school—partly because she's hilarious, and partly because she'd protect us from scary bunches of meatheads in the hallway. —SparkNotes editors

The bell just rang. You jump out of your seat and rush to the door. You turn back to grab your homework and rush to the door yet again. But now you just stand there, gaping at the sheer number of people in the hallway. You know that you have exactly 4 minutes to get to your next class (actually, 3 minutes and 53 seconds after grabbing your homework and gaping), which happens to be on the opposite end of the school. How on earth will you make it to class on time with so many obstacles standing between you and punctuality? Simple—follow my handy guide.

Obstacle: Couples Making Out
Solution: 1) Hold your hands straight out in front of you so they meet at a point. 2) Charge!

Obstacle: Chatty Former Teachers (i.e. "Ohhellotherehowisyouryearsofar?Myhowyou'vegrown!")
Solution: Yell "HI, I LOVE YOU, BYE" and zip right past them. They'll be touched, and convince your bio teacher to give you an A. (Or maybe not.)

Obstacle: Computer Carts
Solution: You can't really barge into one of these without costing the school a ton of money, and potentially breaking an arm. So, if you do hurdles on the track and field team, JUMP. If not, seek out a different route around said computer cart.

Obstacle: Ginormous Football Players
Solution: Point in a random direction and yell "BACON!"

Obstacle: Huge Crowd of Popular Girls
Solution: Whip out your trusty Atomic Fart app and let 'em rip.

Obstacle: The Crowd Is Coming At You (You're Traveling In the Wrong Lane)
Solution: Move three steps to the right and chances are, you'll be going with the flow.

Obstacle: Stairs
Solution: If you're going down, slide down the railing. If you're going up, put your gym class skills to use. Put that head down and feel the burn.

Obstacle: Twilight Lovers
Solution: Charge while yelling "DAN BERGSTEIN ROCKS." Try flexing your calf muscles.

Obstacle: The Trunchbull
Solution: Climb the nearest tree and hide there until she passes. Really tall people work, too.

Obstacle: Anything Else (Hester Prynne and her crazy-times-two eyes are walking towards you, perhaps, or a kid wiped out, causing a large crowd to form)
Solution: Activate your Spidey-powers and climb onto the ceiling like a true Spider Pig. Or you can ARC: Access the situation, Re-route, and Charge.