Businesses We'd Start If We Had $5 Million!

There's a knock at the door. It's a guy holding a giant cardboard check.

"Congratulations!" he says. "You've won $5 million from the Tri-State Clearing House Sweepstakes! There's only one catch: You have to invest it in a new business."

Argh. So much for that heated Olympic-sized swimming pool and all the Twix bars you can stand.

How do you invest this new cash? Here are some solid business plans:

* Puppies That Never Age: Everybody loves puppies. It's written in our DNA. Start breeding dogs that remain puppy-like throughout their lives: tiny, spastic, sleepy-eyed, and wrinkled. What could possibly be cuter?
* A Pro Foosball Team: Hold tryouts for the best Foosball team in the world. Other cities will follow suit. Get ESPN on board. The thrill of sinking a tiny ball! The agony of defeat! The advertising possibilities are limitless.
* Greeting Card Pillows: There's nothing like a good throw pillow. What if these comfy couch accessories could be given as personalized gifts, with messages stitched into them? ("Snuggle Often," "Punch Once For Stress Relief," "Narcoleptics Have More Fun.")
* Skateboard Insurance: For skater punks who are worried about snapping their boards on the half pipe, or having them stolen at the food court.
* The International Zombie Museum: Field trips would never be the same—not with a brand-new destination that's half museum (about the history of zombies and zombie movies), and half scare-house (packed with the undead). The Zombie Museum could be built in any crummy old building across from a cemetery.
* Bumper Motorboats: The same idea as bumper cars, except in a bay, and the winner is the one who doesn't sink (life preservers required).
* Space Butlers: "Space Tourism" may bring us the vacations in the near future, though normal folks like you and me will probably never enjoy weekends in orbit. A space butler, trained in zero gravity, could serve the super rich their caviar and champagne. Bill Gates can't be expected to change his own Velcro moon boots.
* Hotel Cirque du Soleil: Like an ordinary hotel, except it's staffed by French acrobats in outrageous costumes. Guests may hang from the ceiling in bungee slings or leap along a path of trampolines to their suites.
* Gourmet Lemonade Stands: Like an ordinary lemonade stand, set up on street corners with a little sign, except that the juices are wide-ranging and exotic, and they're prepared by master chefs.
* University of Obscure Fields: Start a college for unusual majors, such as Zodiac Studies and Video Game Testing. Doesn't seem useful? Just wait until the first Comic Book Lit major wins a Pulitzer. THEN we'll see what's a worthwhile pursuit!
* Online Literature Help: Start a website that helps students get through difficult required reading, with a fun blog for young... readers... no, wait, that's been taken. Try something else.

What kind of business would you start if you had $5 million?

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