Auntie SparkNotes: Letter from a Mean Girl

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I go to an all girl’s school and my classmates and I are really close friends, but there’s been a problem with this one girl (let’s call her Sarah). Since forever, when someone tried to approach her or make conversation, she would give them dirties, mumble, walk away, ignore them or tell them to shut up and get lost. Or, if she wasn’t in a bad mood, which wasn’t often, she would take our attempts as an invitation and stick to you as if you wanted to be her best friend, even if it was just to ask her for a pen/pencil.

Last year one of my close friends (let’s call her Hannah) had a big problem with Sarah sticking to her and she was really annoyed, till one day Hannah let out all her frustrations and had a fight with her, in which Sarah just mumbled and didn’t say anything. Now this year, Sarah didn’t seem to get the message and is starting to stick to me and my close group of friends. We’ve tried ignoring her and I know this may seem rude, but we never got along since the first day we met and she’s not exactly the type of person I would hang out with.

Now some people in my class have a problem with this and they’re saying we’re being ‘rude’ since we’re ignoring her and that giving the silent treatment is bullying. Okay, sometimes we try avoiding her after school and there are some things we don’t want to tell her because I’m not exactly close with her and I don’t think I should be forced to, but I don’t think that can be classed as bullying. Hannah and I have tried to explain the fact that we don’t want to hang around with someone we don’t exactly like, but they don’t seem to get that and call me and Hannah and a few others ‘immature’ and say we haven’t put in much effort to befriend her, which we think is hypocritical since it’s not our fault that Sarah was so anti-social previously. This never used to be a problem before, especially since once we discovered Sarah’s homework diary was full of curses towards the students in my class and claims of ‘I hate my class’ or rude things about certain people, and on the day of my birthday there was even a ‘WORST DAY EVER, [my surname]’s BIRTHDAY’. I wasn’t exactly surprised; I found it quite childish and amusing actually.

I tried to keep this short, but I don’t want to be guilty of being a bully for how I act, so what do I do about it?

Well, you could always, oh, I don't know, not be a bully.

Yes, you are.

It's not that I think you need to be BFFs with someone you don't like—Auntie is not a member of that (totally unrealistic, possibly nutty) camp of people who expect everyone to get along equally well with everyone else. But come on. I mean, your letter is practically a dead ringer for Gretchen Wieners' famous non-apology speech from Mean Girls: "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm so popular." You can't really tell me you're surprised that Sarah was so wary of you and the other girls in your class, when in the same breath you're talking about how annoying it is when she tries to be friends with your group, and explaining that she's "not exactly the type of person" you'd hang out with.

I suppose it's possible that Sarah really is an anti-social, mumbling freak show who hates humanity and harbors all kinds of resentments against your class for no reason at all. But it's hard to believe that's the case, when her behavior is exactly that of a person who's been socially burned and doesn't know who to trust. Be honest, now: have you thought at all about why your birthday would be somebody else's "worst day ever"? And what were you doing with her homework diary, anyway? Because though you don't specifically say so, I get the impression that your group has been pretty instrumental in singling her out for negative attention. You've essentially admitted that you always treated her badly, but it didn't matter because nobody liked her.

If you don't want to be guilty of bullying, don't be a bully. This isn't about being BFFs with someone you don't like; it's about not being cruel. (FYI, "I don't think I should be forced to be friends with x person" is a favorite protest of mean girls who want to justify their mean girl-ness.) If you'd rather not hang out with Sarah, that's fine—and you and your friends are welcome to politely incorporate any and all of the following phrases into your daily interactions with her:

"Hello."
"Sorry, I have plans today/tomorrow/next weekend."
"Sorry, I have to go study/meet someone/call my mom now."
"See you later."

Civil interaction and a swift, polite exit are all accepted means of keeping a friendship on an acquaintance-only level. (I don't think it'd kill you to let her eat lunch with you once in a while, either, but that's just me.) But ignoring her, giving her the silent treatment, actively avoiding her, and treating her like a pariah? You know that's bullying. Kudos to your classmates for getting on your case about it, because it's not just "rude," it's downright awful. Stop it.

Geez.
Auntie OUT.

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